Still, after all this time...

"One day you belonged to me
Next day I just wouldn't know
Someday all the rules will bend
And you and I will meet again"

-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Maybe someday

01/12/17

Sometimes, I get scared.  The only really close family I have left is my mom.  Grandma is dead.  Papaw is dead.  Dad is dead.  She has plenty of struggles with her health too, and what if something happens to her?  How could I go on living in a world where I would feel so alone?  I know I have a multitude of people who would be watching out for me even if something were to happen to my mom, but would it really matter anymore?  Would anything really matter anymore?

  I take pride in being so strong, but sometimes I feel like people only think I’m strong because I don’t let them see my weak side.  The truth is, I am terrified.  I don’t know if I’ve ever even completely admitted that to myself until right now, but I am scared to death.

 It’s almost like starting out of a video game with five vibrant red hearts indicating the number of lives you have, and watching three of them fade to a dull and stale pink.  You’ve still got those two extra lives, but if the second to last one disappears?  It’s all on you, and suddenly you almost wish for that one to just disappear too.  It’s less frightening to imagine everything fading away, rather than having to deal with the pressure of having that one, single life left.

I want so badly to be productive right now, but my brain will not shut down.  I need to sleep.  I need to have the will to want to go to sleep so that I can function in school, so that I can have a good day, so that I can have the will to keep on winning the war every day against my anxiety.

So, I write.  That way, even if for some reason, I am not able to win the war, I will have at least documented my battle.  I can be honorably discharged, and will only have to live with the battle scar of not being good enough.  In reality though, isn’t that the worst kind of battle scar of all?

Elements

It's funny:  People love the sun even though it burns them...and people despise the rain even though it washes them clean.

Sometimes, I think we, as humans, are drawn to pain.  What is the focal point of so many poems?  Country songs?  Romantic comedies?  "Love" was probably the first word to pop into your head, and I would imagine that "heartbreak" followed soon after.  In all reality, though, love is the only emotion powerful enough to cause the devastating let down after a true heartbreak.  

The sun has the power to burn us, but we embrace the sun because it also brings us light.  If you let it, the rain can cleanse your body...your spirit...your soul!  Nevertheless, all we seem to see is that rain also has the power to completely destroy us.  If it rains too hard - too much - you will drown.  In essence, the water will suffocate you until you are less and less of who you once were.  It is then that you become nothing more than a body...the shell of someone who was.  

The sun leaves no marks.  When it burns you up - the tops of the  flames various shades of blue - there will be no proof.  There will be no proof that you ever even existed.  There will be no traces of you left behind.  

So let me ask you...which is worse?  Love is heartbreak.  Heartbreak is love.  You can't have one without the other; all you can do is hope for the right balance.  

The sun will burn, but it will also light the way.  You may practically drown the rain, but it is then that you will learn how to swim.  Everything will wash away, but you.  You, my dear, will stay above the water.  

We may say that we love love and hate heartbreak, but the truth is that with great heartbreak there is great love.  If the love is strong enough it will overcome the heartbreak,  if the heartbreak prevails then we must know in our hearts that an even better love will follow.  It is important to appreciate and claim all of the moments that we experience.  Love the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have loved it all, but I have honestly learned the most from the rain.

 clean

Sometimes, I think we humans are drawn to pain.  What is the focal point of so many poems?  Country songs?  Romantic comedies?  "Love" was probably the first word to pop into your head, and I would imagine that "heartbreak" followed soon after.  In all reality though, love is the only emotion powerful enough to cause the devastating let down of a true heartbreak.  

The sun has the power to burn us, but we embrace the sun because it also brings us light.  If you let it, the rain can cleanse your body...your spirit...your soul!  Nevertheless, all we seem to see is that rain also has the power to completely destroy us.  If it rains too hard - too much - you will drown.  In essence, the water will suffocate you until you are less and less of who you once were.  It is then that you become nothing more than a body...the shell of someone who was.  

The sun leaves no marks.  When it burns you up - the tops of the  flames various shades of blue - there will be no proof.  There will be no proof that you ever even existed.  There will be no traces of you left behind.  

So let me ask you...which is worse?  Love is heartbreak.  Heartbreak is love.  You can't have one without the other; all you can do is hope got the right balance.  

The sun will burn, but it will also light the way.  You may practically drown the rain, but it is then that you will learn how to swim.  Everything will wash away, but you.  You, my dear, will stay above the water.  

We may say that we love love and hate heartbreak, but the truth is that with great heartbreak there is great love.  If the love is strong enough, it will overcome the heartbreak.  If the heartbreak prevails, then we must know in our hearts that an even better love will follow.  It is important to appreciate and claim all of the moments that we experience.  Love the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have loved it all, but honestly, I have learned the most from the rain.

Moon Walking on a Treadmill

I hate running, but I run like I am training for the summer olympics 

All the while, my feet stay still

For it is only my mind that is running away

My "what ifs" consume most of my time 

I run from what could be by focusing on what I think should be, and oh - how it ruins me

I am running on a treadmill 

Everyone around me is moving 

Even my own feet go through the motions, but they never actually take me anywhere

Sometimes I think they will, but then all of the people around me start to blur

I realize then that they are moving;

I am the one who is staying still 

I feel like I must be the moon

The moon follows alongside your car at night, but the sad truth is that the moon never really goes anywhere 

It tricks everyone into thinking that it moves with them, but in all reality it is just lighting the way for everyone else

I am a light, but how can I stay bright when it is only a matter of time until I drown in the darkness again?

I am full.  I am half.  I am gone.

No one appreciates the endless light I have to give, but they always find fault with me when I am gone

I am surrounded by darkness all the time, but for  them even one night is just too much to bare

Maybe that is why I am given the responsibility of being the moon

At my weakest, I am strong

I continue to carry on, bringing my light with me wherever I go...even when no one appreciates it

Perhaps someday my perseverance will finally  take me somewhere

Until then, I will keep shining down, and light up as much of the world as I possibly can

Brains

Isn't it strange how the majority of us have two arms with two hands, and two legs with two feet, and a face with all of the fixings, yet our brains make us all completely different?  Some people have wicked drawing skills...I am lucky to draw a stick figure without messing it up.  Most people like tea.  I can't stomach it.  There are people who don't like chocolate.  There are people who love liver and onions.  Some people can do back flips off of a diving board, while other people of the same build cannot swim at all, let alone jump off of a diving board.  We are all born into the same world, but there are wars that start over our differences in opinion.  Our brains decide who we fall in love with, whether we choose to abide by the laws or brush them off, and even determines how we feel about ourselves.  It's just crazy to me that we are all created equal, made up of the same dirt and stardust...we all have brains, yet this common denominator is what makes all of us so incredibly different...