01/12/17

Sometimes, I get scared.  The only really close family I have left is my mom.  Grandma is dead.  Papaw is dead.  Dad is dead.  She has plenty of struggles with her health too, and what if something happens to her?  How could I go on living in a world where I would feel so alone?  I know I have a multitude of people who would be watching out for me even if something were to happen to my mom, but would it really matter anymore?  Would anything really matter anymore?

  I take pride in being so strong, but sometimes I feel like people only think I’m strong because I don’t let them see my weak side.  The truth is, I am terrified.  I don’t know if I’ve ever even completely admitted that to myself until right now, but I am scared to death.

 It’s almost like starting out of a video game with five vibrant red hearts indicating the number of lives you have, and watching three of them fade to a dull and stale pink.  You’ve still got those two extra lives, but if the second to last one disappears?  It’s all on you, and suddenly you almost wish for that one to just disappear too.  It’s less frightening to imagine everything fading away, rather than having to deal with the pressure of having that one, single life left.

I want so badly to be productive right now, but my brain will not shut down.  I need to sleep.  I need to have the will to want to go to sleep so that I can function in school, so that I can have a good day, so that I can have the will to keep on winning the war every day against my anxiety.

So, I write.  That way, even if for some reason, I am not able to win the war, I will have at least documented my battle.  I can be honorably discharged, and will only have to live with the battle scar of not being good enough.  In reality though, isn’t that the worst kind of battle scar of all?

September.

 

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

 

 

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)