Still, after all this time...

"One day you belonged to me
Next day I just wouldn't know
Someday all the rules will bend
And you and I will meet again"

-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Maybe someday

Yesterday is Over Now.

9/19/15
Very early in the morning: 

Two years ago at this time, I was probably sleeping soundly in my bed. Little did I know what horrors the daylight would bring. Two years ago at this time, I was a little girl. I thought I was an "adult", but I wasn't...not really. I thought I had been through hard times, but nothing before would compare to what the next ten months would bring. My dad went to the doctor because he was having trouble swallowing. We didn't think it was anything serious, so I was not nearly as concerned as I should have been. Later that day while I was goofing off at home, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My mom came in and told me...my dad was still out in the car. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen to me. When Dad came in, I gave him a long hug and sobbed into his arms like a baby. It hurts so badly even now to think of how strong he still was in that moment. His arms around me were just so...strong. I watched my dad turn from that man into to a lifeless body with glazed over eyes in a matter of months. I still miss him so much every day. I miss his hugs, the way he smelled whenever he cleaned up to go somewhere, and the way he would honk and wave every time we passed an SCT bus when he wasn't working. I miss the talks we would have, going bowling with him, and all of the silly nicknames he would call me. I mourn for the moments in the future that he will not be here for. My future husband will never be able to sit down with my dad, and ask permission for my hand in marriage. My dad will not walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. My dad will never get to experience being a grandpa to my future children. At times like this, his death is still very raw to me. Yes, I can be happy. Yes, I still enjoy life. Yes, it could have been worse. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I will always miss my dad, and I love him so much. I see him in people and things every day, and I can only hope that I always will. It's easy to take the people you love for granted, but I like to think that through my dad's diagnosis, sickness, and death, I have become much more cognizant of those I love. I appreciate all of the kind words people say to me, and all of the nice gestures. Now to end with a quote from one of my dad's favorite books: 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” -Albus Dumbledore

Pictures found on Pinterest.

My First Fatherless Father's Day

So many people say "Happy Father's Day" every year, so frivolously, certain that there will be a countless number of Father's Days to come. I used to feel the same way before I lost the only father I've ever known. I would give anything to be with my dad this Father's Day, so please give yours a hug for me if you are lucky enough to still have him around. Appreciate him, and don't take the time you two spend together for granted. A lot of people claim the philosophy "live like there's no tomorrow", but very few people truly live by it. Yet suddenly, when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer every minute, every word, every picture becomes precious. I love and miss you, Dad. I am so glad you chose me to be your daughter. It was the best 22 years a little girl could ever ask for. See you around if you don't turn square.

Letter to My Future Self #2

Dear Future self,

 

How shall I even start?  I have written to you once before, and at that point I was young, with my first real boyfriend, and very naïve as far as love goes.  I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but will I ever really?  Though I am still anxious for the future, I am trying very hard to take things day by day. 

 

It is very sad to realize that the first time I wrote to you, I had no knowledge of the losses that would occur over the next few years:  most importantly, my dad and grandma.  I am doing alright now, but I can only hope and pray that you (Future Me) are/is doing better.

 

Anyway, I imagine you will do great things.  I don't know if they will be the same kinds of things that you thought you would do back in December of 2010, but who am I to venture a guess?  I don't know what outfit I'm wearing tomorrow (okay, honestly I,'ll be wearing khakis, my grey Sketchers, and some kind of Rend Lake College shirt because I'll be working, but you get the gist), let alone what I will be doing ten years from now.  And yes, Future Self, I do realize that was a weird run on sentence.  And yes, I realize the last one was a fragment.  And the last.  And the last.  And the last!  Okay, now I'm just being silly.

 

I can tell you this, if nothing else:  I truly believe in the person you are becoming.  You are becoming a better person every day...even on your bad days.  Like they say, "good things come to those who wait", and I just know better days are ahead for you, my friend.  I don't know how to end this, so see you in a few years, I guess.  :)

Best of luck...Love,

Molly

 

 

Letter to My Present Self #2

Dear Present Self, you are doing...okay.  You are trying to deal with the many losses that have occurred over the past year, and you are taking it day by day.  You have to remember that grief is a gradual process.  It is not something that ever completely goes away, AND THAT IS OKAY.  You put a smile on your face every day, and that is awesome in itself.  People continue to tell you how happy you seem, and though you may not always feel that way, I am proud of you for being able to always put on a brave face.  If you need to break down though, it's okay.  Just remember this quote by A.A. Milne:  

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

 

You degrade yourself far too often, but I know you are working on loving yourself each and every day.  Do not let your anxiety or depression get in the way of that.  You are doing good, kid.  Keep making the world a better place, because nothing would be the same without you in it!  Good things are coming your way...some that you already know about, and I am sure that there are even more that you don't!  Hang in there, and remember to live instead of just existing.

Love, 

Me

 

 

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)

Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.

 

Until Next Time...

Since I last wrote, Griffin (my boyfriend) and I, have started going to the gym regularly.  I have gone almost every day since we got our free pass with either Griffin, or my friend, Carrie.  I swear, it is making me feel so much better already!  I haven't been nearly as sore as I thought I would be afterwards, but I can tell during the workout that I am exercising muscles that I am not used to using.  I have already lost a few pounds, and I am super excited!

I also just finished reading this really great book called "This Star Won't Go Out" by Esther Earl, with Lori and Wayne Earl.  It is a non-fiction book that tells the story of a girl battling thyroid cancer through her journals, online conversations, drawings, etc.  Actually, John Green dedicated "The Fault in Our Stars" to THIS girl!  (If you haven't read that book yet you are either crazy or live under a rock!)  LOL

Anyway, other than that, I don't much else I want to say now.  There are things I could say, but I like to keep my personal life at least somewhat personal.  Until next time...

With love,
Molly

All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013

 

I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

 

*******************************************************************************

Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.

 

 

 

Happy December!!!



Happy December, everyone - though it does not feel much like winter here in Southern Illinois!  The weather fluctuates day to day, and you never know whether the sun will be shining when you wake up, or whether the first winter blizzard will suddenly hit.  Anyway, since Christmas is quickly approaching, I thought it would be fun to start out the month with a list of Christmas books you should read! 

1.  The Christmas Doll by Elvira Woodruff

2.  Olive, the Other Reindeer by Vivian Walsh, illustrated by J. Otto Siebold

3.  The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore, illustrated by Mary Engelbreit

4.  Treasury of Christmas Tales by Susan Spellman

5.  A Very Lizzie Christmas by Lisa Papademitriou

6.  A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

7.  The Biggest, Most Beautiful Christmas Tree by Amy Rosenberg

8.  The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen

9.  The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg

10.  A Charlie Brown Christmas by Charles M. Shulz

There you have it folks!  I believe that whether you are young or old, big or small, you will fall in love with more than one of the books on my list; you just have to take the time to read them!  Look forward to more Christmas posts to come...heck!  "This is the most wonderful time of the year!"  Now go snuggle with a blanket, a book, and read, read, READ!!!!!



Photo found on:  www.weheartit.blogspot.com

Little Things

 

I am not sure who took this photo, or who edited it.  The only thing I know is that I found it on Tumblr, and it seemed to fit my feelings about life so well.  I don't need a big house.  I don't need millions of dollars to be happy.  I need love to be happy - not just the love of a person, but the things I love in life, surrounding me.  I need to watch funny videos on Youtube, to feed ducks in the park, to finish a book, to look through old photo albums, to eat pizza and not care how many calories I am ingesting into my body.  I would rather be starving to death doing something I love, than bored to death doing something I hate.

To Fake a Smile or to Cry Awhile?

Everyone always says that it is up to you to make yourself happy.  While I believe this to some extent, I am not sure that I totally buy into it.  After the death of a loved one, are you supposed to be a-okay the next day?  When a natural disaster strikes in your community, are you supposed to immediately get over it?

No, I don't think you should be bitter your whole life over something that happened when you were two, but there are just some things that are really difficult to get over.  Why should I have to be happy all the time, and how can I make myself happy if I am constantly being put down?  Sometimes, life just sucks.  Sure, I can fake a smile with the best of them, but why should I always have to?

To be honest, I am not just talking about deaths and natural disasters.  I am talking about friend problems, heartbreak, rejection, feeling alone.  I am talking about the little things.  Sometimes, I just want to be in a bad mood.  If crying makes me feel better in the long run, then why not?  As long as you do not become a generally negative, pessimistic, bitter, cynical person, I think occasional bad moods are healthy to an extent.  If you never feel depressed, angry, lonely, devastated...then how will you ever truly appreciate when something good comes along?



Photo courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

On the Other Hand

I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!!!

Truth Is...

Ain't that the truth.  Some of you may have been reading my blog for a few weeks, months.  A select few of you may even have been reading it for years.  So, I bid you the question:  Do you feel that you know me because you have read a few things about me, shared a few pictures with you? 

The answer is no.  You do not know me (unless you have met me in real life of course).  Don't get me wrong - there are many of you I would LOVE to meet, LOVE to be friends with.  I sincerely like some of the people whose blogs I have read, and people who have commented on my blog throughout the years.  With that said, it does not mean I know you. 

I know the people who I have shared secrets with, ridden in the passenger seat by, went to see a movie with.  I know the people who have sucked up to me, put me down, and made me feel inferior.  I know the people who I have been in pictures with, the people who have given me hugs, the people who have annoyed the crap out of me.  I do not, however, know you.  It may be a sad fact, but it's true.

I can think I know you, and you can think you know me, but that fact of the matter is we really do not know each other.  For all you know, I could be a 56 year old man from Antarctica in a civil union with a man who hates beavers.  Granted, I am not.  I do not even know if Antarctica allows civil unions, but the thing is you only know little snippets about me that I have told you.  You know nothing more, nothing less.  Think about this as your are enjoying the internet and social networking.  Though it is fun and a way to make friends, you need to see people, places, things, and ideas for what they really are.

Feather Extensions: Yay or Nay?

I logged in just now, and realized it has been over a month since I have posted a blog!  I feel horrible about that, especially since I keep saying I want to get back on track.  I truly do want to get back on track; I guess I have just had a hard time with my focus and motivation.

With that aside, today I want to ask you all a question.  What do all of you think of the new "fad" that is feather hair extensions?  Do you think they are a good alternative to dying your hair?  Personally, I have two, and I love them to death.  I have gotten highlights before, but I have never really been allowed or able to dye my hair, partially because it is so thin.  However, when I was getting my hair done not too long ago, I saw a sign advertising feather hair extensions.  I had seen them a couple times before, but I had never thought too much about them.  I am not a slave to all of the newest hair trends (obviously since I have never dyed my hair), but these feather extensions I now have seemed like a great way to express my personality without going overboard by shaving my head, or dying my hair blue.  I have a pink one and a zebra striped one, and both of them are very subtle, but they really make me happy.  I did it more for myself than anyone else, and I think that's the way it should be.  I love to look in the mirror, and see the feathers dangling.

My stylist told me they should last four to six months, and they were a very reasonable price:  only $10 each!  I definitely thought that was a bargain compared to highlights!  I am not saying they are for everybody.  I am just saying that if you have been asking yourself  if you should get them and just can't decide, I'd definitely recommend you get them  :)  I say YAY! 

Image courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

An Open Letter to Vending Machines Everywhere.

Dear Vending Machine,

Why must you constantly tempt me?  You seem to follow me around everywhere at school.  I can't get away from you, wherever I go!  On top of that, you want to fatten me up.  Your gifts to me are always something like candy, chips, or soda.  Don't get me wrong, my love.  I love your salty, sweet, and refreshing treats.  I just don't know if this relationship is healthy for me anymore.  I mean, you take all of my money!  Don't you think you need to become more independent?  I cannot support you forever, you know.  I know you act like you love me, but I'm beginning to think that you only love me for my money.  Sometimes you don't even give me anything return for all my hard earned change.  Is it out of spite, my dear Vending Machine?  Maybe I will never know.  I just think it would be best if I severed my ties with you right now.  It will be best for both of us in the end.

Sincerely,
Molly

Photo Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

Life Lesson #11 PLEASE be Polite :)

Life Lesson #11:  PLEASE be polite.  :)

You know what I love?  I love it when people are polite.  It really isn't all that hard, yet I run into people almost every day who are completely uncouth or rude.  How hard is it to say, "please" and "thank you" or "you're welcome"?  Does it really take that much brain power?  No!  The amount of effort it takes?  Slim to none.  So why does it seem like there are so few polite people left these days?  Is America really that lazy?  I'm starting to wonder.  No, we do not all have to be like the southern gentleman who says "yes ma'am" and "no sir".  It might be a nice ideal to live up to, but lets be honest with ourselves.  How many of us actually speak that way?  Not me, that's for sure.  However, I always try to say "Nice to meet you," when I am introduced to someone new.  I generally make sure to say "thank you" when someone holds open the door for me...especially when it is someone I do not know that well.  In my opinion, that is how to be polite.  We all slip up at one point or another.  I do, however, try to be polite - especially when I am making a first impression.  Remember, first impressions often stick.  How will you make your first impression?

Photos Courtesy of:  http://www.weheartit.com/

In Honor of Valentine's Day

"I know that I've got issues, but you're pretty messed up too.  Either way, I found out I'm nothing without you."  -Kelly Clarkson

No Love Song For You

I could write a love song,
but no love song would do.

You are so incredibly special,
just because you're you.

I know not how I made it without you,
for now you're everything I see.

You say you would not have a life without me,
but where, without you, would I be?

I will love you forever, and while I know that sounds cliche,
I feel that these are the truest words I will ever say.

Shakespeare once said, "To Thine Own Self Be True,"
And I must say I know not where I'd be without you.


Photo Courtesy of:  http://www.weheartit.com/

The Fairytale That Has Become of 2010.

I have trouble trying to find good enough words to describe 2010. It has been truly ASTOUNDING!  Last year, I worried I was going to be infinitely single - that I was never going to find anyone who completed me. In my journal on January 1, 2010, I wrote:

“I know I started out 2009 the same way, and I sometimes hate to admit it, but I am SO TIRED of  being single!  I don’t know why I am so doomed to be single!  Maybe 2010 will be different.  Maybe I’ll find someone who loves me, and respects me, and appreciates me.  This is what I hope.”

...And so I did. :)  I went out and found myself the man of my dreams, and I really only had to look right in front of me. In 2010, I accomplished the one thing I wanted most.  I cannot believe I found a guy who fit my description of what I looked for in a guy so perfectly. I used to be so bitter about love.  I hated to look at happy couples because I was terrified that I would end up as the lady with fifty cats.  However, I did not, and I am extremely grateful for that.

As for everything else in 2010...wow. I mean, I had a great senior year of high school. I believe everyone who says that senior year is the best year, because it really is. With the way my freshman year of high school started out, I had no clue that my senior year of high school would be SO much better, to the extent that it was almost unbelievable. Totally unexpectedly, I was elected prom queen. I was humbled, unbelievably, by that whole experience. I won the award for having the most school spirit. I graduated and ended the long, but essential, journey we call “high school”. I was amazed when I was offered a theatre tuition waiver to college, along with a theatre scholarship. I cannot believe I was once the freshman girl who would stare down at the floor and who liked to make believe she did not exist.

With that said, I also started a new journey. I am now a freshman in college. I fully planned on majoring in theatre at the beginning of the year. Now, honestly, I am not so sure what I want to do with my life. I never knew it would be such a hard decision.  Other things have simply become more important to me than the theatre. Ryan, for example. I am not saying theatre is not at all important to me; it has been a huge part of my life for quite a few years now. I am just not sure how far along theatre and I will travel together, hand in hand.

I have definitely become a different person this year. As for lessons, I have learned many.  There have been people who have disappointed me this year, but of course, that is to be expected. I saw the flaws in someone that I basically considered to be perfect.  No one is perfect. Life teaches me that over and over again, every year. However, I also made many great friends this year. I never knew just how many great people I would meet in college.  I was amazed at how some of the people I met were, and are, so similar to me.  I have a wonderful life, and I am beginning to realize that more and more every day. This year (especially compared to last year) has been so incredibly easy. It has been a piece of cake. I have kept my emotions more in check and I have matured by leaps and bounds.

More people have pleased me than disappointed me.  One great loss I suffered this year was the death of my Papaw. It was totally unexpected and hard for me to cope with at times (even though I hardly ever showed it). I did not know how much I would miss him until he was gone. While that was a major downer, I still cannot forget all of the great memories from this year.

By far, the best thing that came about this year was my relationship with Ryan.  I think it shocked almost everyone who knew us when we suddenly got together. We had been talking for awhile, but not many people knew that our late night facebook conversations would soon become a full blown romantic relationship. Heck, not many people even knew we were having late night facebook conversations. However, I am glad that we did.  I know most people around my age say their relationship will last, and in a lot of cases it doesn’t, but Ryan and I are different.  I just know it will work out between us. I fully see us in fifty years, sitting on our couch together. I love him, and I am truly glad I have had to go through so many hardships to finally find him because now it is so good. I am glad that I waited to be with Ryan because some things are just worth waiting for. ;)

All in all, 2010 has been a blast. I look forward to creating a bunch of fun, new, memories in 2011 with Ryan and all of my friends. I cannot wait to see what this coming year has in store for me!!!!!