Still, after all this time...

"One day you belonged to me
Next day I just wouldn't know
Someday all the rules will bend
And you and I will meet again"

-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Maybe someday

01/12/17

Sometimes, I get scared.  The only really close family I have left is my mom.  Grandma is dead.  Papaw is dead.  Dad is dead.  She has plenty of struggles with her health too, and what if something happens to her?  How could I go on living in a world where I would feel so alone?  I know I have a multitude of people who would be watching out for me even if something were to happen to my mom, but would it really matter anymore?  Would anything really matter anymore?

  I take pride in being so strong, but sometimes I feel like people only think I’m strong because I don’t let them see my weak side.  The truth is, I am terrified.  I don’t know if I’ve ever even completely admitted that to myself until right now, but I am scared to death.

 It’s almost like starting out of a video game with five vibrant red hearts indicating the number of lives you have, and watching three of them fade to a dull and stale pink.  You’ve still got those two extra lives, but if the second to last one disappears?  It’s all on you, and suddenly you almost wish for that one to just disappear too.  It’s less frightening to imagine everything fading away, rather than having to deal with the pressure of having that one, single life left.

I want so badly to be productive right now, but my brain will not shut down.  I need to sleep.  I need to have the will to want to go to sleep so that I can function in school, so that I can have a good day, so that I can have the will to keep on winning the war every day against my anxiety.

So, I write.  That way, even if for some reason, I am not able to win the war, I will have at least documented my battle.  I can be honorably discharged, and will only have to live with the battle scar of not being good enough.  In reality though, isn’t that the worst kind of battle scar of all?

Elements

It's funny:  People love the sun even though it burns them...and people despise the rain even though it washes them clean.

Sometimes, I think we, as humans, are drawn to pain.  What is the focal point of so many poems?  Country songs?  Romantic comedies?  "Love" was probably the first word to pop into your head, and I would imagine that "heartbreak" followed soon after.  In all reality, though, love is the only emotion powerful enough to cause the devastating let down after a true heartbreak.  

The sun has the power to burn us, but we embrace the sun because it also brings us light.  If you let it, the rain can cleanse your body...your spirit...your soul!  Nevertheless, all we seem to see is that rain also has the power to completely destroy us.  If it rains too hard - too much - you will drown.  In essence, the water will suffocate you until you are less and less of who you once were.  It is then that you become nothing more than a body...the shell of someone who was.  

The sun leaves no marks.  When it burns you up - the tops of the  flames various shades of blue - there will be no proof.  There will be no proof that you ever even existed.  There will be no traces of you left behind.  

So let me ask you...which is worse?  Love is heartbreak.  Heartbreak is love.  You can't have one without the other; all you can do is hope for the right balance.  

The sun will burn, but it will also light the way.  You may practically drown the rain, but it is then that you will learn how to swim.  Everything will wash away, but you.  You, my dear, will stay above the water.  

We may say that we love love and hate heartbreak, but the truth is that with great heartbreak there is great love.  If the love is strong enough it will overcome the heartbreak,  if the heartbreak prevails then we must know in our hearts that an even better love will follow.  It is important to appreciate and claim all of the moments that we experience.  Love the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have loved it all, but I have honestly learned the most from the rain.

 clean

Sometimes, I think we humans are drawn to pain.  What is the focal point of so many poems?  Country songs?  Romantic comedies?  "Love" was probably the first word to pop into your head, and I would imagine that "heartbreak" followed soon after.  In all reality though, love is the only emotion powerful enough to cause the devastating let down of a true heartbreak.  

The sun has the power to burn us, but we embrace the sun because it also brings us light.  If you let it, the rain can cleanse your body...your spirit...your soul!  Nevertheless, all we seem to see is that rain also has the power to completely destroy us.  If it rains too hard - too much - you will drown.  In essence, the water will suffocate you until you are less and less of who you once were.  It is then that you become nothing more than a body...the shell of someone who was.  

The sun leaves no marks.  When it burns you up - the tops of the  flames various shades of blue - there will be no proof.  There will be no proof that you ever even existed.  There will be no traces of you left behind.  

So let me ask you...which is worse?  Love is heartbreak.  Heartbreak is love.  You can't have one without the other; all you can do is hope got the right balance.  

The sun will burn, but it will also light the way.  You may practically drown the rain, but it is then that you will learn how to swim.  Everything will wash away, but you.  You, my dear, will stay above the water.  

We may say that we love love and hate heartbreak, but the truth is that with great heartbreak there is great love.  If the love is strong enough, it will overcome the heartbreak.  If the heartbreak prevails, then we must know in our hearts that an even better love will follow.  It is important to appreciate and claim all of the moments that we experience.  Love the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have loved it all, but honestly, I have learned the most from the rain.

Moon Walking on a Treadmill

I hate running, but I run like I am training for the summer olympics 

All the while, my feet stay still

For it is only my mind that is running away

My "what ifs" consume most of my time 

I run from what could be by focusing on what I think should be, and oh - how it ruins me

I am running on a treadmill 

Everyone around me is moving 

Even my own feet go through the motions, but they never actually take me anywhere

Sometimes I think they will, but then all of the people around me start to blur

I realize then that they are moving;

I am the one who is staying still 

I feel like I must be the moon

The moon follows alongside your car at night, but the sad truth is that the moon never really goes anywhere 

It tricks everyone into thinking that it moves with them, but in all reality it is just lighting the way for everyone else

I am a light, but how can I stay bright when it is only a matter of time until I drown in the darkness again?

I am full.  I am half.  I am gone.

No one appreciates the endless light I have to give, but they always find fault with me when I am gone

I am surrounded by darkness all the time, but for  them even one night is just too much to bare

Maybe that is why I am given the responsibility of being the moon

At my weakest, I am strong

I continue to carry on, bringing my light with me wherever I go...even when no one appreciates it

Perhaps someday my perseverance will finally  take me somewhere

Until then, I will keep shining down, and light up as much of the world as I possibly can

Brains

Isn't it strange how the majority of us have two arms with two hands, and two legs with two feet, and a face with all of the fixings, yet our brains make us all completely different?  Some people have wicked drawing skills...I am lucky to draw a stick figure without messing it up.  Most people like tea.  I can't stomach it.  There are people who don't like chocolate.  There are people who love liver and onions.  Some people can do back flips off of a diving board, while other people of the same build cannot swim at all, let alone jump off of a diving board.  We are all born into the same world, but there are wars that start over our differences in opinion.  Our brains decide who we fall in love with, whether we choose to abide by the laws or brush them off, and even determines how we feel about ourselves.  It's just crazy to me that we are all created equal, made up of the same dirt and stardust...we all have brains, yet this common denominator is what makes all of us so incredibly different...

Thanksgiving 2015.:)

Unsaid.

"Honey I'm tougher than the rest."

-Bruce Springsteen

*songwriters include:  Michael Clark and Jeffrey David Stevens

 

 

Over a year of suffering; over a year of things left unsaid.

My only comfort in all of this is that there were no words left unsaid between my dad and I.

 

"And the days went by like paper in the wind
Everything changed, then changed again
It's hard to find a friend"

-Tom Petty

 

September.

 

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

 

 

Yesterday is Over Now.

9/19/15
Very early in the morning: 

Two years ago at this time, I was probably sleeping soundly in my bed. Little did I know what horrors the daylight would bring. Two years ago at this time, I was a little girl. I thought I was an "adult", but I wasn't...not really. I thought I had been through hard times, but nothing before would compare to what the next ten months would bring. My dad went to the doctor because he was having trouble swallowing. We didn't think it was anything serious, so I was not nearly as concerned as I should have been. Later that day while I was goofing off at home, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My mom came in and told me...my dad was still out in the car. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen to me. When Dad came in, I gave him a long hug and sobbed into his arms like a baby. It hurts so badly even now to think of how strong he still was in that moment. His arms around me were just so...strong. I watched my dad turn from that man into to a lifeless body with glazed over eyes in a matter of months. I still miss him so much every day. I miss his hugs, the way he smelled whenever he cleaned up to go somewhere, and the way he would honk and wave every time we passed an SCT bus when he wasn't working. I miss the talks we would have, going bowling with him, and all of the silly nicknames he would call me. I mourn for the moments in the future that he will not be here for. My future husband will never be able to sit down with my dad, and ask permission for my hand in marriage. My dad will not walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. My dad will never get to experience being a grandpa to my future children. At times like this, his death is still very raw to me. Yes, I can be happy. Yes, I still enjoy life. Yes, it could have been worse. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I will always miss my dad, and I love him so much. I see him in people and things every day, and I can only hope that I always will. It's easy to take the people you love for granted, but I like to think that through my dad's diagnosis, sickness, and death, I have become much more cognizant of those I love. I appreciate all of the kind words people say to me, and all of the nice gestures. Now to end with a quote from one of my dad's favorite books: 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” -Albus Dumbledore

Pictures found on Pinterest.

Silently Exploding 09/01/2015

I am a penguin:  black and white.  I struggle to see the colors within myself.

 

I have wings, but they only serve as a painful reminder that I am incapable of flying.  Everyone around me sees my wings and they ask, "Why don't you just fly?"  I simply tell them, "I can't."  They refuse to accept my answer.  They continue to insist that I can fly if I really want to - if I try just a little bit harder. 

 

I grow so frustrated with all of them - with myself - that my whole body tenses up.  I feel like a carbonated beverage trapped inside an aluminum can. 

 

All of these people just shake me, and shake me, and shake me.  When I finally open up, I explode.  It shocks them all.  They never believed that all of the shaking would actually cause an explosion.

 

After all, I am a penguin...always wearing my tuxedo.  I put on a happy face as I feel the avalanche shift beneath my feet.  I keep smiling as the avalanche pushes me farther and farther away until suddenly, I am not me anymore.  I am the remains of a crumpled up tuxedo, cold and soaking wet, lying underneath an avalanche.  I am suffocating as the snow and my shame engulf me until I can no longer move...I can no longer breathe.

 

And as they stare, they silently wonder why I didn't just fly...

1st picture on www.buzzfeed.com with a link to:  tumblr.com / Via schammelthecamel.tumblr.com

2nd picture on:  https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/1f4syf/baby_penguin/

Red Hair, Don't Care

In the last few days, I've decreased my friends list on Facebook from 1,009 to 892. I've been throwing trash bags of junk out of my bedroom, and put some worthwhile items in a bag to give away/sell. I love my red hair. I've read 15 books this year. I've lost weight, gained a few pounds back, but I am planning on losing it again. I truly care about people, and have a killer sense of humor. I am great at doing my makeup. I am insecure...

but I am proud.

Stagnant.

I watch others prosper.  I stay.

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

Photo found on Pinterest.

 

9 Recent Summer Selfies...Because Why Not?

 

The flower I'm holding is fake.

 

 

I love infinity scarves.

 

 

I wasn't wearing makeup yet.

 

 

I took this one in a bathroom stall.

 

 

I took this one on my birthday (July 15th).

 

 

I was in a play called "Almost, Maine" recently portraying two different characters.

 

 

I don't remember why I took this picture.

 

 

I posted this picture on Instagram, captioned with some of my favorite Springsteen lyrics.

 

 

I didn't choose the hug life:  the hug life chose me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter to my Dad: One Year That You've Been Gone

 

 

Dear Dad,

I never would have imagined a few years ago that I would be writing to you like this, especially at the young age of 23.  It's been a year since you've been "gone", but what does that really mean anyway? 

 

 I think about you every day.  In some ways, you are just as present in my every day life as you were when you were alive, if not more so.  I miss all of the little things you used to do that drove me nuts.  I miss the way you would say, "You look cute, Mol," every time I was dressed up to go out somewhere.  I miss the silent conversations we had, even during your cancer when we would be sitting in a room together, and a million thoughts would be going through both of our minds.  I wish we had had more time.

 

  I think of all of the horrible dads out there that are just fathers...sperm donors...and nothing more.  I think of how great you were.  I was your only kid, but you never made me feel like you needed anymore than me to be happy.  I never felt the way some girls do...that their father would rather have had a son than a daughter.  We played with cars and dolls, you saw chick flicks with me, and had long conversations with me about "Harry Potter" because I found the books too boring to read myself. 

 

 I think the thing that upsets me more than anything about you being gone is that you will never get the chance to be a grandpa.  You would have been one hell of a good papaw, and it almost sickens me to know that my future children will only know you as an old picture in a frame.  I will do everything I can to make them know you better than that.

 

  My eyes are tearing up as I reread the words I am writing because I still miss you as much as I did the day you died.  I honestly cannot believe how strong I was...staying around the clock at White Oaks, holding your hand and talking to you as I sat by your bedside.  I guess I was so numb to the pain at that point that it was hard to feel anything.  I wanted everything to be over because I could see you were in such pain, but I also felt very selfish for wanting it to be over for me too.  It was hard living in limbo, not knowing whether today was the day.  It was difficult to tell you time and time again that it was okay to let go, especially in the late night/early morning right after my birthday.  It hurt to see you not even be able to get up to go to the bathroom, and hearing you say crazy things because you were so completely out of your head. 

 

 When I look back on that short period of time at the end, it really upsets me, but those aren't the things that I remember most.  I remember how much you loved to drive the bus, and all of the times you recorded my theatrical productions, and the way your laugh was both obnoxious and endearing at the same time. 

 

You are not physically with me anymore, but spiritually you are with me now more than ever.  Sometimes I can feel your presence right beside me, but I would give anything to have one last conversation with you, or receive one last hug.  I love you, Daddy, and I know you're in a better place.  I just wish I could still have you here with me sometimes too. 

 

 Like I said though in a card to you last year, I would rather have had 21 (right at 22) years with you as my dad, than 121 (or 122) years with anyone else.  I love you always, Daddy.  See you around if you don't turn square.

Love,
Molly

xoxoxoxoxo

Orange You Jealous?

"My fingernail polish is jaundice orange."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

 

It Feels Like Dependence Day Without You

 

No red or white, just blue.

 

 

 

 

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

 

 

 

Secrets, Lies, & Cotton Candy

Originally Written:  6/29/10 

You were like cotton candy - full of fluff, but lacking any real substance.  Or was I the cotton candy?  Melting in the presence of your seemingly sweet words, but eventually, inevitably, falling into the big, empty, black hole that was you...

How did I dissolve so easily?  Why did I melt inside your mouth - the place where smoke and secrets lingered?  Why did I want to be in a place that was so dark, empty, and broken? 

I'll tell you why.  I was lost then.  I was looking for some sort of protection - any sort of protection.  I thought I had found it - my own kind of promise land.

Little did I know...those promises were just cheap little lies.  You formed them in your secret filled head, and then they rolled right off of your lying tongue.

But you are no more than cotton candy.  No more than a sweet exterior that lacks any actual substance. 

I won't

melt for

 you.

Photos courtesy of: http://www.photobucket.com/, http://www.msn.com/, and the first one at the top is one I took myself on my cell phone camera and edited. :)

No Four Letter Words

 

 

 

"You are not worth the expletives."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!


Photo courtesy of:  Someone on the Internet

My First Fatherless Father's Day

So many people say "Happy Father's Day" every year, so frivolously, certain that there will be a countless number of Father's Days to come. I used to feel the same way before I lost the only father I've ever known. I would give anything to be with my dad this Father's Day, so please give yours a hug for me if you are lucky enough to still have him around. Appreciate him, and don't take the time you two spend together for granted. A lot of people claim the philosophy "live like there's no tomorrow", but very few people truly live by it. Yet suddenly, when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer every minute, every word, every picture becomes precious. I love and miss you, Dad. I am so glad you chose me to be your daughter. It was the best 22 years a little girl could ever ask for. See you around if you don't turn square.

Six Words Silverware

"Plastic silverware tastes better than metal."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!


Photo courtesy of:  www.dixie.com