All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013

 

I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

 

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Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.

 

 

 

A Tongue Twister of Lies

I tried to drown my sorrows, but they still come up for air.
How can a person compete when he or she can never compare?
It is such a thin line of what we should do and what we should not. 
How do we decide what we ought to do, and what we ought to not?
You may say it's a tongue twister, but nevertheless it is very much true.
You never really know anything unless it happens directly to you.

Introducing Myself to Me.

In the past few months, I have become much more fascinated by plants than I used to be.  And art.  I don't know if I am just growing older, or if I am just growing more sentimental.  Perhaps my friends have influenced some of my new interests.  Then again, I know part of the change in me is because I am changing.  I am a little less lost than I was this time last year, and I am a little more decided.  Although part of me wonders if I have only convinced myself that I am less lost.  Maybe I am more deeply lost than I have ever been in my whole life.  Who really knows?  I may never know exactly where I am going, much like the wind.  I know who I am, and I am a drifter.  Or maybe not.  Maybe I say that for the sole purpose of sounding philosophical.  I'm like that sometimes you know.  Or do you?  You don't even know me, so how could you know?!  I will tell you one thing though:  I will never stop reintroducing me to myself.

Goodbye Summer, Goodbye Childhood.

I cannot believe summer will be ending in so soon.  I just want more time.  More time to hang out with my friends.  More time to think about the creative ideas that pop into my head.  More time to read.  More time before my childhood ends.  It will not be too long before everything changes, and where will that leave me?

 

To Be So Young, To Be So Old.

In less than 12 full days I will legally be allowed to consume alcoholic beverages, and this fact alone depresses the hell out of me.  I wish I knew why.  Lately, all I can think of is everything that has ever happened to me thus far in life.  I was sixteen, and everything was so what?  Full of opportunity?  I don't know if that is the right way to put it, but it's the only way I can think of right now.  I feel like I should have made so many decisions by now that I haven't made.  Kissed so many people that I haven't kissed.  I have so many stretch marks that I shouldn't have.  It is a weird feeling being so old, yet having all of your elders claim you are so young.  It all makes me wonder:  am I who I was?  How long will it take for me to get to who I will be?  How much longer can I last in this in between state of not being a teenager, but not being an adult either?