Alone and Bittersweet

It's really funny how things change as you grow older.  My best friends from high school promised me that we would always be friends.  We are not.  In fact, I only have one friend from high school that I see on a regular basis, and that is my best friend, Shannon.  Then I got to college and I met SO many people who were like me.  Most of them have graduated or done something else with their lives, and I am still here.  I have barely stayed in touch with any of them, except for the occasional social media comment.  The thing was, they used to be so much like me, but I have changed so drastically in the past few years.  I am a totally different person than I was when I started college.  I still love theatre, but it is not the focal point of my life like it used to be, at least not for right now.  I am an Early Childhood Education major.  Children are my life now, and I may never pursue a career in professional theatre, as difficult as that is for me to admit.  When I was eighteen and starting college, I thought I would be long gone at this point.  Now that I am twenty-one though, I see myself staying in the exact same place, at least for another year or two.  I have big dreams, and I always will; that will never change.  It just seems that as I have matured my old dreams have become new dreams, and my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  I am both happy and sad about this.  I am at the point that I do not have much growing up left to do until I am grown up.  It's bittersweet really.  I leave you with a quote that used to be one of my favorites a long time ago back in the era of Myspace and high school:  "Be happy for this moment.  This moment is your life." -Omar Khayyam

All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013

 

I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

 

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Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.