An Open Letter to my Dad: One Year That You've Been Gone

 

 

Dear Dad,

I never would have imagined a few years ago that I would be writing to you like this, especially at the young age of 23.  It's been a year since you've been "gone", but what does that really mean anyway? 

 

 I think about you every day.  In some ways, you are just as present in my every day life as you were when you were alive, if not more so.  I miss all of the little things you used to do that drove me nuts.  I miss the way you would say, "You look cute, Mol," every time I was dressed up to go out somewhere.  I miss the silent conversations we had, even during your cancer when we would be sitting in a room together, and a million thoughts would be going through both of our minds.  I wish we had had more time.

 

  I think of all of the horrible dads out there that are just fathers...sperm donors...and nothing more.  I think of how great you were.  I was your only kid, but you never made me feel like you needed anymore than me to be happy.  I never felt the way some girls do...that their father would rather have had a son than a daughter.  We played with cars and dolls, you saw chick flicks with me, and had long conversations with me about "Harry Potter" because I found the books too boring to read myself. 

 

 I think the thing that upsets me more than anything about you being gone is that you will never get the chance to be a grandpa.  You would have been one hell of a good papaw, and it almost sickens me to know that my future children will only know you as an old picture in a frame.  I will do everything I can to make them know you better than that.

 

  My eyes are tearing up as I reread the words I am writing because I still miss you as much as I did the day you died.  I honestly cannot believe how strong I was...staying around the clock at White Oaks, holding your hand and talking to you as I sat by your bedside.  I guess I was so numb to the pain at that point that it was hard to feel anything.  I wanted everything to be over because I could see you were in such pain, but I also felt very selfish for wanting it to be over for me too.  It was hard living in limbo, not knowing whether today was the day.  It was difficult to tell you time and time again that it was okay to let go, especially in the late night/early morning right after my birthday.  It hurt to see you not even be able to get up to go to the bathroom, and hearing you say crazy things because you were so completely out of your head. 

 

 When I look back on that short period of time at the end, it really upsets me, but those aren't the things that I remember most.  I remember how much you loved to drive the bus, and all of the times you recorded my theatrical productions, and the way your laugh was both obnoxious and endearing at the same time. 

 

You are not physically with me anymore, but spiritually you are with me now more than ever.  Sometimes I can feel your presence right beside me, but I would give anything to have one last conversation with you, or receive one last hug.  I love you, Daddy, and I know you're in a better place.  I just wish I could still have you here with me sometimes too. 

 

 Like I said though in a card to you last year, I would rather have had 21 (right at 22) years with you as my dad, than 121 (or 122) years with anyone else.  I love you always, Daddy.  See you around if you don't turn square.

Love,
Molly

xoxoxoxoxo

Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.

 

All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013

 

I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

 

*******************************************************************************

Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.

 

 

 

Goodbye Summer, Goodbye Childhood.

I cannot believe summer will be ending in so soon.  I just want more time.  More time to hang out with my friends.  More time to think about the creative ideas that pop into my head.  More time to read.  More time before my childhood ends.  It will not be too long before everything changes, and where will that leave me?

 

Twas the End of the World Before Christmas

 

In my humble opinion, the world is NOT going to end on December 21, 2012.  I mean, how cruel would that be?  It is seventeen days until Christmas, and thirteen days until the world is supposedly going to end!!!  I will be very disappointed if the world ends four LOUSY, MEASLY, days before Christmas.  Don't get me wrong; I respect the opinions of anyone who does believe the world ends on December 21, 2012.  I just personally do not buy into the whole world ending fiasco, but I am no expert on it.  I genuinely hope the world does NOT end though.  There are so many things I want to do in life, and I have not had enough time in my short twenty years to do them all!  Besides, I've wasted a lot of money on Christmas gifts for the world to end before I get to give my loved ones any of their presents!  So, what do you all think?  Will the world end in 2012? 






E-card found on:  www.weheartit.com

An Open Letter to Vending Machines Everywhere.

Dear Vending Machine,

Why must you constantly tempt me?  You seem to follow me around everywhere at school.  I can't get away from you, wherever I go!  On top of that, you want to fatten me up.  Your gifts to me are always something like candy, chips, or soda.  Don't get me wrong, my love.  I love your salty, sweet, and refreshing treats.  I just don't know if this relationship is healthy for me anymore.  I mean, you take all of my money!  Don't you think you need to become more independent?  I cannot support you forever, you know.  I know you act like you love me, but I'm beginning to think that you only love me for my money.  Sometimes you don't even give me anything return for all my hard earned change.  Is it out of spite, my dear Vending Machine?  Maybe I will never know.  I just think it would be best if I severed my ties with you right now.  It will be best for both of us in the end.

Sincerely,
Molly

Photo Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

Life Lesson #7: Kill them with Kindness

Life Lesson #7:  Kill them with Kindness

You may be wondering who "them" is.  Well, "them" encompasses a variety of people.  It may be the snobby girl who has always had to one up you since the seventh grade.  It may be the teacher who seems to dislike you, even though you have not done anything wrong.  It may be a group of boys who will not stop bullying you, even though you are nothing but nice to them.  It may even be your best friend, who suddenly decides to turn his or her back on you.

Like many people, you may want revenge.  That is perfectly understandable, but it's about the worst thing you can do for yourself.  Karma will bite you in the butt faster than any ferocious animal.  I have never really been the type of person who has tried to get revenge on someone, but there have been times when I have definitely wanted to.

The thing is, when somebody is bothering you, you want to be the bigger person.  It may not always be easy, but in the long run you will feel very proud that you stuck it out.  I pride myself in not being a quitter, so don't just give up on yourself.

Maybe they will learn from your kindness, and maybe they won't.  I'm not going to lie to you.  Just because you are nice to people, does not mean they will all of a sudden see the light and change their ways.  However, there is a fraction of a chance they will.  You never know how people will respond.  Even if the change is not immediate, they may remember in years to come that you were nice to them.  They may feel undeserving, but they will remember it nevertheless. 

Think about that before you say something rude, and try to say something nice instead. 

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Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!! :)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!!!!  I know it is a little late, but I hope you all had a marvelous day!  :)  Whether you think so or not, we all have a great deal to be thankful for.  All of us are blessed in different ways.  If nothing else, be thankful of this life, and of how wonderful God is.

What have you done to celebrate today?  I ate lunch with some of my family, and then went to visit a couple of other family members.  It is exciting for me that the countdown to Christmas has started because I LOVE Christmas!!!!!  Now, I am just relaxing, and watching "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving."  You have to love those classics! 

Anyway, I hope all of you have a good day tomorrow - whether you are braving Black Friday shopping, or just sleeping in!  Have some fun and stay safe!

Image courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Old Journal Entry: November 24, 2009

For quite some time now, I have wanted to share with you one of my old journal entries.  However, I could never quite decide which one to share, or else it just seemed like the wrong time to post it.  Finally though, I am proud to inform you all that I have found the perfect one to share with the world!  Here it is, from one year ago today: 

If you can't read that, below is my translation:

November 24, 2009

Maybe I never really loved you.  Maybe I love you.  Maybe I never fully stopped loving you.  Maybe.

Love,

Molly

Isn't it weird how I am very poetic, even when I am just writing in my journal?  It is funny to think, and slightly hard to believe, that this is only from one year ago today.  So much has changed since then...

Something to Think About

Something to think about: 

What should you do when something that once saved your life is now threatening to destroy it?

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Coexist: Stop Judging, Start Loving.

For some reason, I have been thinking about the word "coexist" lately.  I decided to look it up on the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary, and this is the two definitions it gave me:

1: to exist together or at the same time

2: to live in peace with each other especially as a matter of policy

 

I, myself, liked the second definition best.  I believe strongly in tolerating everyone, whether you agree with their lifestyle or not.  It is just common courtesy to be friendly to everyone, and acknowledge that every individuals opinion matters. 

As I said, I have been thinking about coexisting quite a bit lately - what it means, and what it entails.  However, the reason I made the decision to write on this topic, today particularly, is because a fellow blogger informed me in her post that today is National Coming Out Day.  Cate wrote a wonderful blog on tolerating other people, and accepting them.  While I do not personally belong to the LGBT community, I have many friends who do.  I also have friends of other religions, races, social classes, and backgrounds.  I support them all 100 percent - not necassarily because I agree with every single thing they do, but because they are my friend.  They are a human being, as am I.  I want to be treated equally and with respect, so why shouldn't I treat them the way I would like to be treated?

Coexisting is such a powerful word to me.  People have bumper stickers, clothes, and even tattoos - all dedicated to that one word.  I know what it means to me, but what does it mean to you?  Do you believe in coexisting?  Do you ever find yourself judging someone of another religion, race, sexual orientation, or even someone who is just a little different than you?  Well, today I just have one request for all of you:  stop judging, and start loving.  We all need to learn how to coexist with one another, and the world would be a much better place if we could.  Whether you are a Christian or not, there is one Bible passage I believe all of us should try to live by.  Romans 12:21 says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."  So, stop judging, start loving. 



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Arrogance is Ignorance.

Some people are just plain stuck up.  It's like they don't even get it.  It makes you wonder whether they have a really low or a really high self esteem.  Do they think they are so stinkin' awesome that they deserve to have their cake and eat it too?  Or are they really the opposite?  Are they just so unsure of themselves that they must annoy and insult those around them for a sense of self satisfaction? 

I think we all know a person like this.  If you don't, chances are you may be that person.  The question is, what do we do about these parasites who live off of attention?  They thrive on controversy centered around themselves, because that allows them to get the desired attention that they want without making it obvious.  It looks as if the starter of the controversy is the one who told the stuck up person off, while the stuck up person is just an innocent bystander.

No, the best thing to do is ignore them.  It will devastate their ginormous ego, and maybe you will help them realize that conceitedness does nothing for them.  Then again, maybe they won't realize this.  Maybe they are too caught up in their own little world.  However, at least you'll feel better!

Graphic courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

From the Ages of Ice Cream to Business Meetings

What do you think of when you see the picture to the left?  For some reason, I think of childhood.  I think of all of the joys many of us experienced as children, and how our joys change over time.  When we are children something as simple as ice cream can make our day.  However, when we enter into adulthood, life can get a little more complicated.

I would like to think that I will eternally be a child at heart.  I wish to be forever amused by the smallest things.  I know it is harder than it sounds, but it is a great way to look at life. 

No, you shouldn't wear mismatched clothes to a business meeting or carry around coloring books in your briefcase.  Still, you should be able to have a small bit of that childlike wonder when looking at the world around you. 

We all just need some time to relax.  Take a step back and look at the world from a different perspective every once in awhile.  It might surprise you how much you learn by just looking at things from a different point of view.  In turn, you will learn more about other people around you, and yourself.  As they say:  You're only as old as you feel! 

Images courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Your Not So Average Fashionista

I went on a shopping trip today with a few of my best friends, and it really made me start thinking about fashion.  When it comes to fashion, I have went through almost every phase you can possibly go through.  Both my clothes and hair have changed drastically throughout the years.

I take pride in being unique and being myself when it comes to clothing.  I was even remembered at my high school graduation for my bold clothing choices.  I think fashion is a beautiful thing because it allows you to express your individuality.  You should not judge people by what they wear, but what you wear can definitely complement your personality!

I don't know about you, but I am one who LOVES clearance shopping.  For my eighth grade graduation, I remember getting my outfit for $1.77 due to discounts and such.  I think I was almost as excited on the great buy of my outfit as I was about the actual graduation! 

I am by no means a brand name buyer.  I buy what I like, and I like what I buy.  I like the way it looks, and am comfortable with the way it feels.  Why else should I spend my money on something that is meant to be worn?

I can be a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl one day, wear all black attire with make up another day, and wear rainbow bright colors the next day.  Maybe the day after that I will just throw something on and not do ANY make up.  I guess you could say I dress how I feel. 

What can I say?  I'm just your not so average fashionista!  ;)


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25 Things About ME!!!!!

Hey guys!  So I just realized I was tagged by Ms. Jessi Haish, of The Musings of a Wannabe Star to participate in the "25 Things" game.  I do not know how many of you have taken part of it before, but it is an extremely fun game in which you write a list of 25 things about yourself.  These things can pretty much consist of anything!  Here are the rules: 
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a post with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 10 people to be tagged. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


Soooo...here I go!!!  25 things about myself!

1.  Theatre is pretty much my life!  My dream is to be an actress, and I would love to move to New York someday!
 
2.  I love the color black.  No...I am not goth.  I just think it is a nice, expressive color.
 
3.  I own over ten pairs of Converse.  I also own a lot of flip flops.  I guess you could say I am a shoe person.  :P 
 
4.  I over analyze almost everything.  I have a serious problem with thinking too much, even when I shouldn't.  Then other times, when I need to think, (*cough* school) I don't think enough.
 
5.  I have an insanely hilarious sense of humor.  I can make a joke out of almost anything.  Some people have told me I should be a comedian. 
 
6.  I love psychology.  It was one of my absolute favorite subjects that I took in high school.  I hope to do something with psychology in my life.  I am very interested in people, and why they are the way they are.
 
7.  You take me to a bookstore, and I can spend hours killing time there.  I love to read, and I love to go to bookstores.  There is just something special about holding a new book in your hand that you know is yours. 
 
8.  I love the books "Please Stop Laughing At Me..." and "Please Stop Laughing At Us..." by Jodee Blanco.  She is one of my heroes, and you should really check out her two books that I mentioned.  The first one, especially, changed my life.
 
9.  I really love to write.  It helps me sort through the things I am going through.  My journal is a great friend, and it doesn't judge me even when everyone else seems to.
 
10.  I am really into quotes and lyrics that mean something to me.
 
11.  Speaking of lyrics, I love music.  I especially love when music has good lyrics.  I have an array of music on my iPod.  I have everything from country to alternative, rock to pop, and even the music out of some musicals.  I like to think that you can tell a lot about a person based on their music taste, but I have not proven that theory yet.
 
12.  I love going to the movies with friends, even if I don't particularly like the movie, because I enjoy eating movie popcorn.  I guess I also enjoy just having something to do, because I HATE, HATE, HATE, being bored!!!
 
13.  I am a major advocate for stopping bullying.  See #8 above.
 
14.  I have bowled on a bowling league since I was in the 4th grade.  I probably could be a lot better, but it's fun anyway...
 
15.  When I was little, I once wanted a Santa cake for my birthday, even though it's in July.  I got it though!  :)
 
16.  I frequently have strange dreams, and I often remember my dreams.  I hope that means I am really creative!
 
17.  I love "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."  It is about my favorite show.
 
18.  I like to play soccer just for fun, even though I've never played on a team or anything.  I might not know all the rules, but I DO know it's fun very fun!  :)
 
19.  Although I am funny, I am also very deep.  I have some thoughts that are as deep as the sea.  I like to think that I have an "old soul." 
 
20.  When I was younger, I was terrified of angels appearing to me in the shower.  Yeah, I was a strange kid...
I guess not much has changed.
 
21.  I love pizza.  I especially love pepperoni pizza and cheddar cheese pizza.  Stuffed crust is just an added bonus!
 
22.  I don't think I text  as much as the average teenager.
 
23.  I am one of those few people in the world who doesn't mind being in pictures.  I've never been one of those, "AHHHH!  DON'T TAKE MY PICTURE!!!!!" people.
 
24.  I think I have a kind of obsession with social networking sites.  First, it was myspace.  Now, it's facebook.  I just can't get away from them!
 
25.  I really try to be a nice person, and I hate when people don't like me.
 
So...there you have it folks.  I chose to tag:
 
1.  Alexxander of Letters From the Wasteland
2.  Hannah of Hello life, glad you're here
3.  Kevin of Something Like That
4.  Himani of The hidden shadow
5.  David of The Rest Is Still Unwritten

6.  Lily of Unconditional Honesty

7.  Jitsy of Mind Starts Speaking

8.  f8hasit of f8hasit

9.  Call Me Cate of Show My Face

10.  Jenn of PURSUING HAPPINESS

Always in the Way?

I found the picture below while surfing the web, and I found it very moving.  It is, indeed, a PostSecret.

I don't know how many of you have heard of "PostSecret," so I will just explain it to you now in case you do not know about this amazing project.  According to http://www.postsecret.com/, "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard."  They then publish books with these anonymous secrets in them.  Actually, I have two of them, and they are very interesting to read.  It personally makes me feel less alone because we all have secrets.  We all have something about us that we have kept hidden from everyone else.

As I mentioned earlier, I found the PostSecret pictured above incredibly moving.  I believe it deserves to be recognized and discussed.  I think it is a secret almost all of us can relate to whether we will admit it or not.  I know I, for one, have felt ugly before.  I have felt like I was in the way.  I have felt that something would have been better of without me.  How about you?  Have you ever felt this way?

Ahhh...The Envies of Summer!

Ahhhhh.....summer.

If you are a student, like me, you probably breathed a sigh of relief after you finished that final exam.



If you are a parent, you may be dreading the fact that your kids will be home ALL summer.



If you are a teacher, a sense of freedom may have overcome you as you sat back and realized you won't have to deal with those whiny, nasty, dependent, kids all summer.



I think summer evokes different emotions in all of us. It is a time of freedom, but it can also be a time of boredom. I know that I, for one, start to miss my friends a great deal a few weeks into the summer. However, it is also a time envied by all of the other seasons. All of the other seasons just wish they could give off that popsicle licking, sprinkler running, watermelon eating, diving into the pool, overall good feeling of summer!

You may start to feel bored, and may only be thinking of those lazy days of sleeping ahead.
But you also can't deny it: summer brings out something wonderful and magical in us all!

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Nice to Meetcha. (:

Hello there, everyone! Well, today is going to be a more personal post than you usually see! I am very happy to have gotten quite a few new followers in the past few days, and I would like to introduce myself to you. :) So...sit back, relax, and let's get to know each other a little bit better, shall we?
Yup, that girl right up there is me! It is a picture of me right before my graduation, on May 28th. I graduated high school! It has been an interesting four years, let me tell you. But enough of that.
I'm Molly! :) I am seventeen, going on eighteen. One thing you really need to know: THEATRE IS MY LIFE!!!!! I love acting - it is my passion, and I am totally in love with it! However, I also enjoy writing and psychology. I love to act, read, sing, dance, bowl, listen to music, and tons of other stuff! I love God!!! I spend way too much time on the computer, but hey, that's just me. I am a pretty shy person, honestly. It might take me awhile to warm up, but once I do I can be pretty hilarious, not gonna lie! I am also pretty deep though, which not everyone realizes. I have a serious side. I am very accepting and open-minded, or at least, that's what I like to think of myself. :)
Right now, it is summer (duh). The past few days I have pretty much just been enjoying that fact. I usually don't enjoy being bored, but it has been kind of nice not to have a planned schedule and routine. I am bowling though, on a summer league with a few friends, which is a blast! I have bowled on a league since the fourth grade, but I have only bowled on summer league since last summer. I am hoping to maybe get a job this summer too, so wish me luck! Really, I just wanted to write this blog so I could introduce myself to my new readers, and allow my old readers to know a little bit more about me! :D I hope you all have enjoyed reading it. And I would ALWAYS love to know more about you, so feel free to share. Leave me comments, and express your thoughts on anything and everything! There is one thing I would like to ask you to do before you before you go though...PLEASE VOTE IN THE POLL CURRENTLY ON MY PAGE! LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE MORE OF ON MY BLOG! I would really appreciate it! :) If you ever would like me to write about something that you do not see I have blogged about already, PLEASE leave a comment! I would LOVE to hear from you, in any way, shape or form! With that said, I hope you all have a great day, and a wonderful summer!!!
Love,
Molly (:

The Truth is Such a Contradiction.

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." -Oscar Wilde

I love many Oscar Wilde quotes. In my mind, he is pretty much a genius. I refer to the quote above as an example. Don't we all know that one person who isn't happy unless he or she is unhappy? It is a contradiction of course, but I can still see you nodding your head in agreement. Truthfully, however, I think we all are that person every once in awhile. Sometimes, even when we are on the verge of experiencing something completely wonderful, we still feel unsure. We think it simply must be too good to be true. I cannot say though that second-guessing yourself is always a bad thing. Second-guessing myself has worked out positively for me on more than one occasion. However, there are also those times when we just have to take a chance, and see where the road takes us.

Fruit Loops R Us

Have you ever seen, heard, or read the saying, "In a world of Cheerios, be a Fruit Loop!"? Well, I did not make it up, and I have no idea who did. I have seen it, though, many times. It really makes me think. The world is full of 'Cheerios.' By that, I mean the world is full of people who want to act like someone else, dress like someone else, and essentially want to be like everyone else. I am not saying I have never been guilty of acting like someone else. We all do it to some extent at some point in our lives. However, when you are completely changing who you are, and making yourself miserable, that is just going a little too far in my opinion.

There is so much diversity in the world. America is known for its diversity. So many people, nowadays, want to stick to their closed-minded beliefs that they grew up with and not figure out who they are as an individual. They are the person that everyone else turned them into, or they are who they think others want to see them as.

The thing is, the world is not meant to be black and white. There are a countless number of colors that exist in the world! We should not let the 'Cheerios' in our lives pull us down! It is their loss, not ours, if they choose to be a Cheerio. Now, do not take this in the wrong way. I am not telling you that you should change the type of breakfast cereal you eat. That really has nothing to do with it. I am just saying be the burst of color in a world that is becoming so bland! Be the smiling face in a world full of frowns! Most of all: be *YOURSELF* in a world of people who are trying to be anything but!!!!!

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