An Open Letter to my Dad: One Year That You've Been Gone

 

 

Dear Dad,

I never would have imagined a few years ago that I would be writing to you like this, especially at the young age of 23.  It's been a year since you've been "gone", but what does that really mean anyway? 

 

 I think about you every day.  In some ways, you are just as present in my every day life as you were when you were alive, if not more so.  I miss all of the little things you used to do that drove me nuts.  I miss the way you would say, "You look cute, Mol," every time I was dressed up to go out somewhere.  I miss the silent conversations we had, even during your cancer when we would be sitting in a room together, and a million thoughts would be going through both of our minds.  I wish we had had more time.

 

  I think of all of the horrible dads out there that are just fathers...sperm donors...and nothing more.  I think of how great you were.  I was your only kid, but you never made me feel like you needed anymore than me to be happy.  I never felt the way some girls do...that their father would rather have had a son than a daughter.  We played with cars and dolls, you saw chick flicks with me, and had long conversations with me about "Harry Potter" because I found the books too boring to read myself. 

 

 I think the thing that upsets me more than anything about you being gone is that you will never get the chance to be a grandpa.  You would have been one hell of a good papaw, and it almost sickens me to know that my future children will only know you as an old picture in a frame.  I will do everything I can to make them know you better than that.

 

  My eyes are tearing up as I reread the words I am writing because I still miss you as much as I did the day you died.  I honestly cannot believe how strong I was...staying around the clock at White Oaks, holding your hand and talking to you as I sat by your bedside.  I guess I was so numb to the pain at that point that it was hard to feel anything.  I wanted everything to be over because I could see you were in such pain, but I also felt very selfish for wanting it to be over for me too.  It was hard living in limbo, not knowing whether today was the day.  It was difficult to tell you time and time again that it was okay to let go, especially in the late night/early morning right after my birthday.  It hurt to see you not even be able to get up to go to the bathroom, and hearing you say crazy things because you were so completely out of your head. 

 

 When I look back on that short period of time at the end, it really upsets me, but those aren't the things that I remember most.  I remember how much you loved to drive the bus, and all of the times you recorded my theatrical productions, and the way your laugh was both obnoxious and endearing at the same time. 

 

You are not physically with me anymore, but spiritually you are with me now more than ever.  Sometimes I can feel your presence right beside me, but I would give anything to have one last conversation with you, or receive one last hug.  I love you, Daddy, and I know you're in a better place.  I just wish I could still have you here with me sometimes too. 

 

 Like I said though in a card to you last year, I would rather have had 21 (right at 22) years with you as my dad, than 121 (or 122) years with anyone else.  I love you always, Daddy.  See you around if you don't turn square.

Love,
Molly

xoxoxoxoxo

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)

Alone and Bittersweet

It's really funny how things change as you grow older.  My best friends from high school promised me that we would always be friends.  We are not.  In fact, I only have one friend from high school that I see on a regular basis, and that is my best friend, Shannon.  Then I got to college and I met SO many people who were like me.  Most of them have graduated or done something else with their lives, and I am still here.  I have barely stayed in touch with any of them, except for the occasional social media comment.  The thing was, they used to be so much like me, but I have changed so drastically in the past few years.  I am a totally different person than I was when I started college.  I still love theatre, but it is not the focal point of my life like it used to be, at least not for right now.  I am an Early Childhood Education major.  Children are my life now, and I may never pursue a career in professional theatre, as difficult as that is for me to admit.  When I was eighteen and starting college, I thought I would be long gone at this point.  Now that I am twenty-one though, I see myself staying in the exact same place, at least for another year or two.  I have big dreams, and I always will; that will never change.  It just seems that as I have matured my old dreams have become new dreams, and my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  I am both happy and sad about this.  I am at the point that I do not have much growing up left to do until I am grown up.  It's bittersweet really.  I leave you with a quote that used to be one of my favorites a long time ago back in the era of Myspace and high school:  "Be happy for this moment.  This moment is your life." -Omar Khayyam

Belated, Merry Whatever!

First of all, I would like to apologize profusely for disappearing from the blogsphere for awhile, with no explanation.  My computer had needed to be repaired for quite some time, and it went into the shop just a few days before Christmas.  With that said, how was your Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/whatever holiday you may  celebrate this time of year?  I hope you all had a very merry...whatever!  Hahaha. I would like to share with you a few of my favorite Christmas presents!

1.  Q & A a Day: 5-Year Journal

I think many of my blogging friends would thoroughly enjoy this, considering it has to do with writing.  It asks you a different question every day for a year.  Then, once you finish off that year, you start answering the same questions you did last year.  That way you can really see how much you have changed in five years!

2.  Polly Pocket Rainy Day Dolls

What can I say?  I'm a kid at heart. ;)  Do not be afraid to act like a kid every once in awhile!  It is a major stress reliever!

3.  Snuggie (Camouflage of course!)  As much as I used to make fun of these things, they are actually very comfy and warm.  As much as I hate to admit it, the sleeves are useful too, especially when reading. :)

4.  Pitch Perfect  GREAT MOVIE!  And if you're a fan of either Bridesmaids or Glee, I definitely recommend it!

5.  Official Betsey Johnson Purse  When I visited Chicago, I fell in love with the Bestsey Johnson store they had there.  The only problem?  Everything there was too expensive for a poor, college kids like me.  Luckily, Betsey Johnson sells some items that are more affordable at places like JCP.  She has a line called "Betseyville".  I am already in love with this purse!

So, did you all get anything new and exciting this year?  Did you do anything special with your family or friends?  I hope all of you had someone to spend the holidays with!  I guess next I will be saying, "Happy New Year!"

Humanity

"Now I don't believe men are born to be killers
I don't believe that this world can't be saved
How did you get here and when did it start
An innocent child with a thorn in his heart"

For some reason, this song popped into my head tonight:  "World So Cold" by 12 Stones.

Photo Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com



The Little Joys of Christmastime

All the world is a coffee shop,

with extra whipped cream on top.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Outside it's cold, but inside it's hot.

A plate of cookies sits by the cot.                                                   

Hot chocolate fills the kettle and the pot.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Look at the snowmen as the children play.

They are practically alive on this crisp winter day.

Bring on the bells, the gifts, and the sleigh!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Carolers pass out candy canes.

Santa rings a bell at the Christmas parade.

Family and friends celebrate the day.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Life Lesson #4: Adults Don't Know it All

Life Lesson #4:  Authority figures you once thought were perfect, always have the potential to let you down.

You know how when you were a little kid, you thought everyone older than you was so cool?  You thought your parents were perfect, your teacher was the smartest person in the world, and the older kids always had fun.  Then you hit the teenage years.  Your parents embarrass you, you think your teacher is an idiot, but you still strive to be older and older.  You still look up to the adults, whether you will admit it or not.  Well, you know what?  Sometimes you should, sometimes you shouldn't.  Despite what adults tell you, they do not always have all the answers.  I would know, since I am legally an adult.  We don't know it all.  Even people much older than me don't know everything.  We all make mistakes, and there is always room for improvement in everyone.  If you are a kid, you should still take into account what adults have to say, but after awhile, you need to start forming some of your own opinions.  If you are an adult, don't get too self-confident.  You do not know everything like you think you do.

Image courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Letter to My Future Self

Dear Future Self,

I wonder what you are like.  What did you decide to do with your life?  I hope you know, because I sure don't.  It's a tough thing:  deciding what you want to do every day for the rest of your life.

I am happy to know that you probably have a wonderful life partner.  If you didn't stick with Ryan, I'll be very disappointed in you.  I know he will always protect you and keep you safe.  You better keep him happy.

I hope the career you chose suits you.  I hope it is fulfilling, but also leaves you time for fun with family and friends.  I hope you are healthy, and still feel like a kid at heart.  Who knows, maybe you have kids of your own by now. 

Gosh, there is so much I want to know about you!  There are so many questions I want to ask you.  Did you ever get a tattoo, or any piercings besides your ears?  Where do you live?  Did you graduate college?  Are you married?  Do you have kids?  How many?  Of course you can't answer these questions for me yet.  I am just looking forward to finding out. 

I feel like I should end this letter with a profound piece of advice, but what can I tell you that you don't already know?  Maybe you should be giving me advice, but I know that isn't possible, though you are wiser and more experienced.  I guess you will just have to teach me what to do from day to day, as I gradually get older.  I bet you didn't do such a bad job with my - our - life.  :)

Love,

Me

Image courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Bear Hugs Make Everything Better

I found the above PostSecret on Photobucket, and it kind of brought me back to my childhood.  I can see some of you nodding your heads in agreement.  Don't lie!  I know you are!  ;)  Well, I have no shame, I'll admit it.  When I was little, I totally bought into the whole stuffed animals coming to life at night thing.  Didn't we all at one point or another?  I was a stuffed animal Fuhhh-reak!  Practically all of my stuffed animals had three names.  They all had stories.  They all had pasts, presents, and futures.

My favorite stuffed animal in particular growing up was Noel Chris Wilson - Noel for short.  :)  I cannot deny that I still sleep with him most of the time, even though he is a bear that has obviously seen many days.  I think I got him when I was in the fourth grade, around Christmastime.  Now that I look back on finding Noel, I am not sure what stood out to me about him.  However to this day, if there were a fire, I would save Noel over my iPod or phone ANY day. 

He has been through so many important moments with me.  I cannot tell you how many tears his poor fur has absorbed throughout the years.  He carries so many sentimental memories, and I swear on my life that I will probably bring him with me when I go off and get married.  I think it is true at any age:  sometimes all we need is a great big bear hug!

Life Lesson #1: Happiness Only Costs 25 Cents :)

How awesome was it when you could get everything you wanted in this world for 25 cents?

As children, we appreciated the smallest things in life - a piece of bubble gum, a dandelion, finger painting, and making mud pies.  However, as we grow older, sometimes we forget these little aspects of our life that made us so happy. 

Why are children generally happier?  The answer is simple:  they appreciate and enjoy the finer things in life.  They have no one to impress but themselves.  Adults, on the other hand, often fake a smile, go to dinner parties with people they don't really like, and buy overpriced junk that satisfies them for a moment at the most, but then the attraction seems to dwindle.

Life Lesson #1:  Live today as if you were a child.  Don't let stress get in the way of having a good time.  We don't have time to be embarrassed - we only have time to have fun, and be with those we love.  Forget everything else for a minute.

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Music for All of Us College Kids!

Going to college is a funny thing.  It's like America - a melting pot of diversity.  With this in mind, I would like to share with you a personal playlist of music that I think is great for anyone who has experienced going to college - whether you have gone off to a university, or are just going to a community college like me.  :)  So...here goes:

College Kids - Relient K (I think this one's pretty self-explanatory...)

Don't Forget to Remember Me - Carrie Underwood

Break Out!  Break Out! - All Time Low

Fifteen - Taylor Swift (I know this is meant for high school freshmen, but it still relates pretty well to college freshmen as well)

Suddenly - Superchick

19 and Crazy - Bomshel

Teenagers - My Chemical Romance

Fingerprints - Katy Perry

The Party Scene - All Time Low

In Fate's Hands - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Forget and Not Slow Down - Relient K

Wishing Well - The Airborne Toxic Event

Stand in the Rain - Superchick

Vegas - All Time Low

Bigcitydreams - Nevershoutnever!

Letter to Me - Brad Paisley

Already Gone - Sugarland

Represent - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

The Freshmen - The Verve Pipe

Weightless - All Time Low

There you have it - my playlist for all of us college kids!  I hope you like it, and enjoy the music.  I tried to put a little something for everyone on there!  :)  Whether you are excited about your new college life, or dreading it, there is something for you.  I hope you can relate to it, and maybe some of the music will even provide you hope for your future!

From the Ages of Ice Cream to Business Meetings

What do you think of when you see the picture to the left?  For some reason, I think of childhood.  I think of all of the joys many of us experienced as children, and how our joys change over time.  When we are children something as simple as ice cream can make our day.  However, when we enter into adulthood, life can get a little more complicated.

I would like to think that I will eternally be a child at heart.  I wish to be forever amused by the smallest things.  I know it is harder than it sounds, but it is a great way to look at life. 

No, you shouldn't wear mismatched clothes to a business meeting or carry around coloring books in your briefcase.  Still, you should be able to have a small bit of that childlike wonder when looking at the world around you. 

We all just need some time to relax.  Take a step back and look at the world from a different perspective every once in awhile.  It might surprise you how much you learn by just looking at things from a different point of view.  In turn, you will learn more about other people around you, and yourself.  As they say:  You're only as old as you feel! 

Images courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Ahhh...The Envies of Summer!

Ahhhhh.....summer.

If you are a student, like me, you probably breathed a sigh of relief after you finished that final exam.



If you are a parent, you may be dreading the fact that your kids will be home ALL summer.



If you are a teacher, a sense of freedom may have overcome you as you sat back and realized you won't have to deal with those whiny, nasty, dependent, kids all summer.



I think summer evokes different emotions in all of us. It is a time of freedom, but it can also be a time of boredom. I know that I, for one, start to miss my friends a great deal a few weeks into the summer. However, it is also a time envied by all of the other seasons. All of the other seasons just wish they could give off that popsicle licking, sprinkler running, watermelon eating, diving into the pool, overall good feeling of summer!

You may start to feel bored, and may only be thinking of those lazy days of sleeping ahead.
But you also can't deny it: summer brings out something wonderful and magical in us all!

Photo courtesy of: www.photobucket.com

My Feelings About Social Networking.

The following is something I wrote for English. I hope you like it!...

Social networking has become quite popular over the past few years. Websites like Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter are used by people as young as thirteen or fourteen to people as old as fifty or sixty. People use these websites for various reasons. A fourteen year old girl might use Myspace to post cute pictures of herself, or maybe she'll want one just because "everybody else" has one. A sixty year old man might use Facebook to reconnect with old high school friends or stay in touch with grandkids. A thirty year old single mom may us Twitter to update her family and friends on how the kids are doing or even to use her profile much like a dating website to connect with other singles in her area.

Social networking websites definitely have their advantages. However, they also have plenty of disadvantages too. Social networking websites are very dangerous if you do not use them properly. People are not always who they say they are on the Internet, and social networking is no different. Think about it. A social networking website is the perfect place for criminals - especially sexual offenders.

A forty-five year old man can pose as a fifteen year old boy and talk to a fifteen year old girl. It is really that simple. Almost everyone who knows technology at all could go to Google and search for a picture of a young by. After the problem is solved, everything else comes easily.

Yes, you are supposed to agree to the terms and conditions of your preferred social networking website, but can you honestly say that you read them? How many people don't even skim the terms and conditions when they sign up, let alone read them word for word? That is why I believe that nobody, especially young children, should put information out there that is too identifying. Don't post anything that you don't want the whole world to see. Just because it's "private" doesn't mean it's safe.

Update: My Life.

I am sorry I haven't had much time to post lately. I have really been busy with rehearsals for the play I am in, "Oliver Twist." So, instead of doing a creative post this time, I am just going to give you a little update on my life. I am Old Sally in the play "Oliver Twist." Old Sally is an old, haggish type of woman. Mind you, she dies in the first act, first scene...but hey! I come back tonight as a towns person. I just love all of the people who are in the play with. I love it there because almost everybody who does the plays at RLC actually WANTS to be there because they like the theatre. That isn't always the case in grade school or even high school. Some people are pushed into it. I have rehearsal tonight, like normal. It should be fun. I'm hoping to get some good pictures tonight.
I also have been really busy with school lately. I have had a lot of homework and such. It has just been super busy for me lately. Today we had 18 kids out at our school the last time I heard, and we only have 74 students! It seemed so weird - there were so few people! I think Swine Flu finally made it to our school - I hope I don't get it. I don't think I'd die or anything, but with my play coming up I don't want to be sick! Luckily I get tomorrow off, and I am hoping this weekend will be a good one.
Anyway, that's about all I have to tell! I just wanted to write something, and I decided to do something a little different than normal! I know I have missed the last couple Ten Things Tuesday's - sorry about that. Hopefully I will get back to writing more here in a couple of weeks when things slow down. Well, that's all for now, but I hope you all have a wonderful weekend/week!
-Molly

TGFS: Thank God For Summer!

Summer is a time to feel relaxed. People wait eagerly all year for summer because it is so full of possibilities. It is a time of family fun, grilling out, being lazy, going on exotic vacations, hanging out with friends, summer romances, baseball games, little kids splashing in the pool, sunburns, ice cream and snow cones, the park, and teenage girls stretched out on a towel trying their best to get a tan. Perhaps it is just a break from the stress of every day life.

However, summer is more than that. It means something different to everyone. Summer is a time of peace. It is a time of getting to know yourself better. You have the time to reflect and meditate. Maybe you have more activity in the summer, or maybe you look forward to the summer because you can just be lazy.

Either way, summer is one of the most popular seasons for a lot of different reasons. To me, summer is like all good things: it must come to an end, and if there was too much of it, it would become a bad thing. Luckily, summer is balanced out exactly as it should be! We get enough of it, but not too much! God really knew what he was doing when he created summer. :)

It Has To Stop.

I have heard on the news recently two different cases of eleven year old boys committing suicide because they were bullied at school. Both of these stories very much touched my heart because I have been bullied, and I have experienced the depression that comes along with it.

I think it is horrible that our society has let it get to this point. We act like it is not a big deal, but it is. How can we just turn our heads when there are eleven year old kids being bullied to the point of choosing to take their own lives? How can we tolerate letting anyone being bullied to the point that they would rather be dead than alive?

There are a good number of people who think children overreact. How many times have I heard that kids will be kids? Yes, kids will be kids. Kids are not perfect and make mistakes. However, does that mean we should turn a blind eye to the children who cry themselves to sleep every night because they just can't fit in? The answer is no.

These children need to know that they are loved. Heck, everyone needs to know that they are loved. Everyone is loved, and I think it is sad that not everyone knows that. Bullying needs to stop. It can be pure torture for the ones going through it. We cannot just look at it like it's nothing, because to some it is everything. As we have seen, to some it is the difference between life and death. We must choose life and love over torture and death!