Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.

 

Souls of Christmas Past

Written:  December 4, 2014

Remember last year when we decorated Grandma's Christmas tree, as Dad sat and watched?

Now you are gone, Grandma is gone, Dad is gone, and I may not be gone physically, but my soul is fading fast.

Photo found on Tumblr

The Stages of Grieving

My cat looks up to the heavens,

As I fall down to my knees

 

I know that praying will not bring you back,

But perhaps it will give me some ease

 

Ease to go on without you

Ease to wake up every day

Ease to bring me some clarity, when I see no reason to stay

 

My heart knows you want me to be happy

I long to set my anxieties and depression free

But how can I even begin to cope without you standing beside me?

 

Someday I will walk down the aisle,

Wearing a pretty white dress,

Without my father to give me away –

To release me from my nest

 

I will be surrounded by people who love me,

But that will never replace,

The look I wish I could have seen, on your aging face

 

You will always be with me,

I know that to be true, but sometimes I selfishly wonder,

“How could you?”

 

How could you leave me here, on this dreadful earth?

How could you leave me here, as you rolled away in a hearse?

How could you leave me here, at such a pivotal point in my life?

How could you leave us here alone – your daughter and your wife?

 

But I have to stop and remember,

You would be here if it was in your control

 

I cannot begin to blame you, for being taken home

I cannot blame God

I cannot blame fate

I just have to rest assured that I will see you again someday

 

For that is the only source of comfort as I get up off my knees

I know you are somewhere driving a bus, though your time here has ceased

I know that you are my guardian angel, and that is what gives me ease