September.

 

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

 

 

Yesterday is Over Now.

9/19/15
Very early in the morning: 

Two years ago at this time, I was probably sleeping soundly in my bed. Little did I know what horrors the daylight would bring. Two years ago at this time, I was a little girl. I thought I was an "adult", but I wasn't...not really. I thought I had been through hard times, but nothing before would compare to what the next ten months would bring. My dad went to the doctor because he was having trouble swallowing. We didn't think it was anything serious, so I was not nearly as concerned as I should have been. Later that day while I was goofing off at home, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My mom came in and told me...my dad was still out in the car. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen to me. When Dad came in, I gave him a long hug and sobbed into his arms like a baby. It hurts so badly even now to think of how strong he still was in that moment. His arms around me were just so...strong. I watched my dad turn from that man into to a lifeless body with glazed over eyes in a matter of months. I still miss him so much every day. I miss his hugs, the way he smelled whenever he cleaned up to go somewhere, and the way he would honk and wave every time we passed an SCT bus when he wasn't working. I miss the talks we would have, going bowling with him, and all of the silly nicknames he would call me. I mourn for the moments in the future that he will not be here for. My future husband will never be able to sit down with my dad, and ask permission for my hand in marriage. My dad will not walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. My dad will never get to experience being a grandpa to my future children. At times like this, his death is still very raw to me. Yes, I can be happy. Yes, I still enjoy life. Yes, it could have been worse. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I will always miss my dad, and I love him so much. I see him in people and things every day, and I can only hope that I always will. It's easy to take the people you love for granted, but I like to think that through my dad's diagnosis, sickness, and death, I have become much more cognizant of those I love. I appreciate all of the kind words people say to me, and all of the nice gestures. Now to end with a quote from one of my dad's favorite books: 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” -Albus Dumbledore

Pictures found on Pinterest.

An Open Letter to my Dad: One Year That You've Been Gone

 

 

Dear Dad,

I never would have imagined a few years ago that I would be writing to you like this, especially at the young age of 23.  It's been a year since you've been "gone", but what does that really mean anyway? 

 

 I think about you every day.  In some ways, you are just as present in my every day life as you were when you were alive, if not more so.  I miss all of the little things you used to do that drove me nuts.  I miss the way you would say, "You look cute, Mol," every time I was dressed up to go out somewhere.  I miss the silent conversations we had, even during your cancer when we would be sitting in a room together, and a million thoughts would be going through both of our minds.  I wish we had had more time.

 

  I think of all of the horrible dads out there that are just fathers...sperm donors...and nothing more.  I think of how great you were.  I was your only kid, but you never made me feel like you needed anymore than me to be happy.  I never felt the way some girls do...that their father would rather have had a son than a daughter.  We played with cars and dolls, you saw chick flicks with me, and had long conversations with me about "Harry Potter" because I found the books too boring to read myself. 

 

 I think the thing that upsets me more than anything about you being gone is that you will never get the chance to be a grandpa.  You would have been one hell of a good papaw, and it almost sickens me to know that my future children will only know you as an old picture in a frame.  I will do everything I can to make them know you better than that.

 

  My eyes are tearing up as I reread the words I am writing because I still miss you as much as I did the day you died.  I honestly cannot believe how strong I was...staying around the clock at White Oaks, holding your hand and talking to you as I sat by your bedside.  I guess I was so numb to the pain at that point that it was hard to feel anything.  I wanted everything to be over because I could see you were in such pain, but I also felt very selfish for wanting it to be over for me too.  It was hard living in limbo, not knowing whether today was the day.  It was difficult to tell you time and time again that it was okay to let go, especially in the late night/early morning right after my birthday.  It hurt to see you not even be able to get up to go to the bathroom, and hearing you say crazy things because you were so completely out of your head. 

 

 When I look back on that short period of time at the end, it really upsets me, but those aren't the things that I remember most.  I remember how much you loved to drive the bus, and all of the times you recorded my theatrical productions, and the way your laugh was both obnoxious and endearing at the same time. 

 

You are not physically with me anymore, but spiritually you are with me now more than ever.  Sometimes I can feel your presence right beside me, but I would give anything to have one last conversation with you, or receive one last hug.  I love you, Daddy, and I know you're in a better place.  I just wish I could still have you here with me sometimes too. 

 

 Like I said though in a card to you last year, I would rather have had 21 (right at 22) years with you as my dad, than 121 (or 122) years with anyone else.  I love you always, Daddy.  See you around if you don't turn square.

Love,
Molly

xoxoxoxoxo

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)

Throwback Thursday

I never knew I would relate so much to a blog I wrote over five years ago.

I can.

Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.

 

Souls of Christmas Past

Written:  December 4, 2014

Remember last year when we decorated Grandma's Christmas tree, as Dad sat and watched?

Now you are gone, Grandma is gone, Dad is gone, and I may not be gone physically, but my soul is fading fast.

Photo found on Tumblr

The First Snow Without You.

Dad used to always tell me when it was snowing.  Now I have nothing but the voice of a memory, and snowflakes falling down from the Heavens to a cold and brutal earth.

Seems Like Only Yesterday

"For the life of me I cannot remember
 What made us think we were wise
 And we'd never compromise
 For the life of me I cannot believe
 We'd ever die for these sins
 We were merely freshman"

 - The Verve Pipe

A Debt That Will Never be Paid

I have you in my hand, under my control

I left you out to dry - left you in the cold

Though I have good reasons, I wish you'd proved me wrong

At first you only fooled me - you've been this way all along

Maybe I taught you something, and for that I am not sad

I only wish I could forget, because I now consider you dead

I have all of these memories, and when I remember I can't help but be glad

I only wish it could have lasted - all those good times we had

I still see you now, and it's kind of bittersweet

Sweet because of the memories, bitter because you yanked them from under my feet

I have forgiven you, but that doesn't make me forget

It is still hard to look at you - to me, you will forever be in my debt

Photos Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

An Open Letter to Myspace

Dear Myspace,

Remember when we were such close friends?  We have shared so many good comments, but we were younger back then.  As we have grown older, we have distanced.  You have become more complicated, and I have become more simple.  We both have a different top eight now, and that is probably a good thing.  I do not need you like I used to - I am more independent now.  You will always have a place in my heart, because you gave me so much.  You were perfect when I needed you; I just don't need you anymore.  I will always cherish the times we shared, but I am overly ready to move on.  I will probably visit you every now and again, but I do not think things will ever be the same between us.  It's not you, and it's not me.  It is just time and change that is separating us.

Sincerely,

An Old Friend Request

Photo Courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

The Fairytale That Has Become of 2010.

I have trouble trying to find good enough words to describe 2010. It has been truly ASTOUNDING!  Last year, I worried I was going to be infinitely single - that I was never going to find anyone who completed me. In my journal on January 1, 2010, I wrote:

“I know I started out 2009 the same way, and I sometimes hate to admit it, but I am SO TIRED of  being single!  I don’t know why I am so doomed to be single!  Maybe 2010 will be different.  Maybe I’ll find someone who loves me, and respects me, and appreciates me.  This is what I hope.”

...And so I did. :)  I went out and found myself the man of my dreams, and I really only had to look right in front of me. In 2010, I accomplished the one thing I wanted most.  I cannot believe I found a guy who fit my description of what I looked for in a guy so perfectly. I used to be so bitter about love.  I hated to look at happy couples because I was terrified that I would end up as the lady with fifty cats.  However, I did not, and I am extremely grateful for that.

As for everything else in 2010...wow. I mean, I had a great senior year of high school. I believe everyone who says that senior year is the best year, because it really is. With the way my freshman year of high school started out, I had no clue that my senior year of high school would be SO much better, to the extent that it was almost unbelievable. Totally unexpectedly, I was elected prom queen. I was humbled, unbelievably, by that whole experience. I won the award for having the most school spirit. I graduated and ended the long, but essential, journey we call “high school”. I was amazed when I was offered a theatre tuition waiver to college, along with a theatre scholarship. I cannot believe I was once the freshman girl who would stare down at the floor and who liked to make believe she did not exist.

With that said, I also started a new journey. I am now a freshman in college. I fully planned on majoring in theatre at the beginning of the year. Now, honestly, I am not so sure what I want to do with my life. I never knew it would be such a hard decision.  Other things have simply become more important to me than the theatre. Ryan, for example. I am not saying theatre is not at all important to me; it has been a huge part of my life for quite a few years now. I am just not sure how far along theatre and I will travel together, hand in hand.

I have definitely become a different person this year. As for lessons, I have learned many.  There have been people who have disappointed me this year, but of course, that is to be expected. I saw the flaws in someone that I basically considered to be perfect.  No one is perfect. Life teaches me that over and over again, every year. However, I also made many great friends this year. I never knew just how many great people I would meet in college.  I was amazed at how some of the people I met were, and are, so similar to me.  I have a wonderful life, and I am beginning to realize that more and more every day. This year (especially compared to last year) has been so incredibly easy. It has been a piece of cake. I have kept my emotions more in check and I have matured by leaps and bounds.

More people have pleased me than disappointed me.  One great loss I suffered this year was the death of my Papaw. It was totally unexpected and hard for me to cope with at times (even though I hardly ever showed it). I did not know how much I would miss him until he was gone. While that was a major downer, I still cannot forget all of the great memories from this year.

By far, the best thing that came about this year was my relationship with Ryan.  I think it shocked almost everyone who knew us when we suddenly got together. We had been talking for awhile, but not many people knew that our late night facebook conversations would soon become a full blown romantic relationship. Heck, not many people even knew we were having late night facebook conversations. However, I am glad that we did.  I know most people around my age say their relationship will last, and in a lot of cases it doesn’t, but Ryan and I are different.  I just know it will work out between us. I fully see us in fifty years, sitting on our couch together. I love him, and I am truly glad I have had to go through so many hardships to finally find him because now it is so good. I am glad that I waited to be with Ryan because some things are just worth waiting for. ;)

All in all, 2010 has been a blast. I look forward to creating a bunch of fun, new, memories in 2011 with Ryan and all of my friends. I cannot wait to see what this coming year has in store for me!!!!!

Bear Hugs Make Everything Better

I found the above PostSecret on Photobucket, and it kind of brought me back to my childhood.  I can see some of you nodding your heads in agreement.  Don't lie!  I know you are!  ;)  Well, I have no shame, I'll admit it.  When I was little, I totally bought into the whole stuffed animals coming to life at night thing.  Didn't we all at one point or another?  I was a stuffed animal Fuhhh-reak!  Practically all of my stuffed animals had three names.  They all had stories.  They all had pasts, presents, and futures.

My favorite stuffed animal in particular growing up was Noel Chris Wilson - Noel for short.  :)  I cannot deny that I still sleep with him most of the time, even though he is a bear that has obviously seen many days.  I think I got him when I was in the fourth grade, around Christmastime.  Now that I look back on finding Noel, I am not sure what stood out to me about him.  However to this day, if there were a fire, I would save Noel over my iPod or phone ANY day. 

He has been through so many important moments with me.  I cannot tell you how many tears his poor fur has absorbed throughout the years.  He carries so many sentimental memories, and I swear on my life that I will probably bring him with me when I go off and get married.  I think it is true at any age:  sometimes all we need is a great big bear hug!

The Importance of Thy Name

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet." -Shakespeare

The quote above comes from the infamous play, Romeo and Juliet.  If you do not know the story, Juliet is a Capulet, and Romeo is a Montague.  Their families do not get along, but Romeo and Juliet (obviously) fall in love.  In the particular quote above, Juliet tells Romeo that his name does not matter.  He would be the same person no matter what his name was. 

While I agree that Romeo would probably be the same guy no matter what his name was, I also beg to differ with Juliet.  A name is more than just a word - it is who you are.  It is what your mother, father, or guardian chose to name you.  It is your title.  It is what everyone from your Auntie May to your former babysitter, to Old Will from across the street and your second grade teacher, calls you. 
 
You see, a name means more to me than it does to some people.  When I was a freshman in high school, I was bullied.  Fortunately, I was able to switch to a different school my sophomore year.  One of the first things I remember commenting on to my mom after I switched schools was that a boy in my class had called me by my name.  He simply called me 'Molly.'  It was not that everyone at my old school had referred to me as Freak or Stupid (although some words similar to those were used behind my back).  It was just that many of them did not value me or talk to me enough to actually call me by my name.  Some of them probably didn't even know my name.

The day I noticed that this boy had called me by my name was a milestone of sorts.  It touched me, and it also meant so much to me.  It still means a lot to me to this day.  It was something so normal, yet so powerful.  I understand that it may seem petty to you, but it is something I will never forget.  That just goes to show you how one simple act of kindness can change someone's life - or at least their day. 

Thank you, Dorian, for calling me by my name.


Photo Courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

No More.

I walk away...
you follow.

I run away...
you follow.

Why must you suffocate me? I fear you will be the death of me.
LET ME BREATHE...
I NEED TO BREATHE!!!
Am I not trying hard enough? Should it really be this tough?

Kill me, just kill me now.
No---
I will not let you be the death of me.
I will not let you haunt me.
Not now, not ever.
I will dodge every punch, but I will not harm you because I don't want to stoop so low.

I WILL NOT STOOP SO LOW!

I deserve better than that, and you know it. It is only a matter of time. And when it is time, you will be no more than a memory.

No more than someone I once knew.

Chaotic Mess.

I don't know about you, but I'm no fairytale princess. Love isn't all about kisses, hugs, and holding hands. It's about the fighting, insane, chaotic mess too. Love isn't always a fantasy...it has a lot to do with reality. Sometimes people don't always see that, but it's true. People say they believe in "love at first sight," but I'm not one of those people. I think it takes time, and building up a history. It involves a lot of getting to know each other, seeing each other's strengths and weaknesses, and making memories.

Falling in love with someone is about their good points, but also their flaws and imperfections. It is about falling in love with the person as a whole---all the little quirks that make them, them.

Don't get me wrong; love is an absolutely wonderful, overwhelming, emotion. Just remember the next time you are infatuated with someone that you don't love them. At least, you don't love them yet, but maybe someday you will. That's why you need to take it slow...don't rush things, because it might turn into a chaotic disaster of hate, rather than a chaotic mess of love.

Happy Belated Blogiversary to Me!!!!! :)

Usually it would be a normal Ten Things Tuesday. However, today I will be belatedly celebrating my blogiversary! You see, I thought my blogiversary was July 7, but in fact it was July 2. Still, I thought it should be recognized!

My blog has given me a way to express myself to other people through my writing. It has been motivational for me, and I hope it has been motivational to those reading it. I wasn't sure how many people would even read my blog, but I am proud to say that I now have 8 followers on blogspot! So thank you to those 8 people VERY MUCH! I also know of a few readers that I know personally, so thank you to those people also VERY MUCH! To anyone who has ever read my blog...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

It has been great because I have had readers everywhere from Brazil, to India, to Pakistan, and at least several other places. I didn't realize anybody out of my state would be reading my words (let alone out of my country!) So, thank you to all of those who have read my blog, left me comments, or have acquired a new perspective on something because of a blog I've written.

I remember my first blog comment. It was by someone named Lance. I do not know Lance personally, and I have not had any sort of communication with him since, but it was a great honor when he took the time to comment my blog. I felt like a published author! I know it might not be that big of a deal to you, but it was to me.

Blogging has made me feel like I have at least made a small difference in the world. I hope it can bring me that feeling to a greater extent in the years to come as I reach more and more people. Blogging has been a creative outlet, somewhere I can share my opinion, and a place I can come to let out my emotions. So I just want to say thank you to all of those people who read my blog. It has been a great pleasure hearing from you, and I am looking forward to another great year of blogging. :)

Rain, Rain, Don't Go Away...

Why even try? I just want to cry...I want to let it all go and listen to the rain. The rain is something tangible; it is something I can see, hear, touch, and taste. Right now rain seems pretty talented.

There is nothing I want more than to see, hear, touch, and taste. I want the concrete. I want something real, because I've been living in this world of fantasy for far too long. It's all getting hazy now...everything is disappearing.

That's why the rain seems so real right now. After it's stopped raining there are still puddles left behind, and it's like a memory is right there under your feet. And long after that rain evaporates I can still remember...remember how it looked, sounded, felt, and tasted...

The Magical Spirit of Christmas.

Christmas is a time of giving to others. It is a time for family, friends, and other loved ones. It is a time to thank God. Christmas means many things to many different people.

I realize that not everyone out there celebrates Christmas, but I do not know what I would do without it. Christmas has always been such a special time for me, and it isn't just about the presents. What I love about Christmas is the spirit...it just seems magical. Simply opening a door for someone might make their day. You never know what will make someones day. I have learned this through the many little moments that have made a number of my days special.

It is not that we never do anything nice for anyone else other times. It's just that in the Christmas season it is more recognizable, more tangible...

When many people think back on their Christmas memories, they remember the warmth surrounding them despite the freezing weather. This is what I wish everyone would be able to feel all year around...

To all who read this, I would like to wish you and yours a great Christmas and happy holidays. Most importantly, try to keep your focus on what is really important.

Unsettling Memories; The Strength in Remembering.

She feels a sense of pride when people say that she is the happiest person they have ever met, or when they simply say she seems happy all the time.

It is true now, but there was a time when it wasn't.

There was a time when no matter how happy she was on the outside, her insides were crying as if there were no tomorrow.

She takes a deep breath and steadies herself; it isn't like that anymore. She's not even the same person that she once was! Still, there are times when her mind subconsciously decides to wander back to that time of angst and sorrow. It was a difficult time in her life, and it is definitely a hard time to revisit through her thoughts and memories.

However, it would be even worse if she did not revisit it. She does not want to forget those memories no matter how unsettling they may be. She knows that in the end, it was all worth it. If she had not been through so many painful days and nights, she would not be the same person she is now. She would be totally different and not nearly as strong. She now knows what true strength is, and it makes her smile both on the inside and out.

She smells the familiar scent of the air around her, and she knows she is where she is meant to be.