01/12/17

Sometimes, I get scared.  The only really close family I have left is my mom.  Grandma is dead.  Papaw is dead.  Dad is dead.  She has plenty of struggles with her health too, and what if something happens to her?  How could I go on living in a world where I would feel so alone?  I know I have a multitude of people who would be watching out for me even if something were to happen to my mom, but would it really matter anymore?  Would anything really matter anymore?

  I take pride in being so strong, but sometimes I feel like people only think I’m strong because I don’t let them see my weak side.  The truth is, I am terrified.  I don’t know if I’ve ever even completely admitted that to myself until right now, but I am scared to death.

 It’s almost like starting out of a video game with five vibrant red hearts indicating the number of lives you have, and watching three of them fade to a dull and stale pink.  You’ve still got those two extra lives, but if the second to last one disappears?  It’s all on you, and suddenly you almost wish for that one to just disappear too.  It’s less frightening to imagine everything fading away, rather than having to deal with the pressure of having that one, single life left.

I want so badly to be productive right now, but my brain will not shut down.  I need to sleep.  I need to have the will to want to go to sleep so that I can function in school, so that I can have a good day, so that I can have the will to keep on winning the war every day against my anxiety.

So, I write.  That way, even if for some reason, I am not able to win the war, I will have at least documented my battle.  I can be honorably discharged, and will only have to live with the battle scar of not being good enough.  In reality though, isn’t that the worst kind of battle scar of all?

05/01/15

I like the kind of people who smile with their teeth showing, even if their teeth are yellow or crooked, or they have a couple missing. I like when people dye their hair, and then their roots start to show. I like when men are gentlemen, not because I am incapable of fending for myself, but because sometimes I do want to feel like a stereotypical lady who is worth doing things for. I like the people who make fast food runs at 2 in the morning, and go on afternoon road trips unsure of their destination. I don't always enjoy life, but I love being alive, and that is what keeps me going. That is what keeps us all going in this world: the appetite for adventure, the euphoria, the pain...all wrapped together into one big package. Everyone is unique, but everyone is the same. And we all keep going.
-M.W.
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Letter to My Present Self #2

Dear Present Self, you are doing...okay.  You are trying to deal with the many losses that have occurred over the past year, and you are taking it day by day.  You have to remember that grief is a gradual process.  It is not something that ever completely goes away, AND THAT IS OKAY.  You put a smile on your face every day, and that is awesome in itself.  People continue to tell you how happy you seem, and though you may not always feel that way, I am proud of you for being able to always put on a brave face.  If you need to break down though, it's okay.  Just remember this quote by A.A. Milne:  

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

 

You degrade yourself far too often, but I know you are working on loving yourself each and every day.  Do not let your anxiety or depression get in the way of that.  You are doing good, kid.  Keep making the world a better place, because nothing would be the same without you in it!  Good things are coming your way...some that you already know about, and I am sure that there are even more that you don't!  Hang in there, and remember to live instead of just existing.

Love, 

Me

 

 

I Just Wish I Only had 99 Problems...

I have to admit, that it's hard to write anything good, when everything happening to you is bad.  You may think that I'm being dramatic, but you don't really don't know my life.  You only know what I choose to share with you on here, which isn't a whole lot right now.  I have turned into a cynical, self-deprecating bum.  Being happy go lucky is a thing of the past for me.  I am officially an adult, and it sucks.  When I say that I am an adult, it doesn't necessarily mean that I act like one.  I have become more dependent than ever.  When I say that I am an adult it just means that I am a depressed mess:  nothing more, nothing less.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, yet it is all happening to me...all at once.  BAM!  BAM!  BAM!  The world is against me, and there is nothing at all that I can do about it.  I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy, when that is one thing I cannot even do for myself.  It's sad, but from what I hear, that's life.

Just Wanna Be Famous

 

Chicago is my favorite place in the world.

Your Not So Average Christmas Playlist!!!

The title says it all!  Enjoy!

1.  Heirlooms - Amy Grant

2.  Drummer Boy  - Justin Bieber ft. Busta Rhymes

3.  Paper Angels - Jimmy Wayne

4.  A Strange Way to Save the World - Mark Harris

5.  I Hear the Bells - From the Musical Revue, "Starting Here, Starting Now".  Lyrics by Richard Maltby Jr., Music by David Shire.

6.  I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas - Relient K

7.  Where Are You Christmas? - From "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", sung by Cindy Lou Who (Taylor Momsen).  Lyrics written by:  James Horner and Will Jennings.

8.  When Christmas Comes to Town - From "The Polar Express", performed by Matthew Hall, and Megan Moore.  Lyrics written by:  Glen Ballard, and Alan Silvestri.

9.  Angels Among Us - Alabama

10.  I Can Only Imagine - MercyMe

Photo Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

Twas the End of the World Before Christmas

 

In my humble opinion, the world is NOT going to end on December 21, 2012.  I mean, how cruel would that be?  It is seventeen days until Christmas, and thirteen days until the world is supposedly going to end!!!  I will be very disappointed if the world ends four LOUSY, MEASLY, days before Christmas.  Don't get me wrong; I respect the opinions of anyone who does believe the world ends on December 21, 2012.  I just personally do not buy into the whole world ending fiasco, but I am no expert on it.  I genuinely hope the world does NOT end though.  There are so many things I want to do in life, and I have not had enough time in my short twenty years to do them all!  Besides, I've wasted a lot of money on Christmas gifts for the world to end before I get to give my loved ones any of their presents!  So, what do you all think?  Will the world end in 2012? 






E-card found on:  www.weheartit.com

Humanity

"Now I don't believe men are born to be killers
I don't believe that this world can't be saved
How did you get here and when did it start
An innocent child with a thorn in his heart"

For some reason, this song popped into my head tonight:  "World So Cold" by 12 Stones.

Photo Courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com



Me, Myself, and I.

Something I wrote June 16, 2009.  I was 16 years old at the time:

I am definitely not a genius. I don't even know that you would call me particularly smart. However, I do know some things.


I have what I like to call an "old soul." I may not be the most book smart person in the world, but I have some personal wisdom that many others my age do not have.


I haven't been through as much as some, but I have been through more than others. I value the experiences I have had greatly, and the wisdom that I have acquired from them.


Sometimes I act like the most immature person in the world, but other times I have the maturity of a grandmother. That is one of the complex attributes that makes me who I am.


I blossom when I get the chance to be creative. I strive to be original, like an artist in the midst of a million brain surgeons. We all have our place in the world, but I know one of my purposes is to be a creator.


I am confident and outgoing, or shy and insecure. Some days I am not quite sure who I am. But no matter what day of the week it is, or how I am feeling, or what I am wearing, I always know one thing. I am always me, myself, and I. I cannot change that no matter how hard I try, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Life Lesson #10: Thick, Black Glasses = Confidence.

Life Lesson #10:  Thick, black framed glasses, make everyone look smart.

Please, tell me if you don't think it's true.  Personally though, when I see someone with black flamed glasses, I generally think "smart".  I know that that is judging a book by it's cover.  I know I always preach to not judge a person by his or her exterior.  However, black framed glasses are just the bomb.  I must say, as a wearer of black framed glasses (when I actually wear them) that I feel smarter when I wear them.  I feel like a powerful woman.  I FEEL LIKE I CAN RULE THE WORLD!!!!!  Okay, so maybe that's taking things a little too far.  Nevertheless, I feel pretty awesome wearing my awesome black glasses.

Hello Circus

Sitting here

Not sure of my purpose

Chaos lingers like a circus

I am just wondering

Who I shall be

For the rest of my eternity

Everything's unknown

How am I to know

Which direction I should go

Two options are left and right

But nothing in life is completely black or white

There is so much more out there

That I can be

Just look around

And you will see

Oh, this world

Is such a bountiful place

Though many people in it

Live a disgrace

We have potential

We have a purpose

Never give in

To some fool's berserkness

Photos Courtesy of:  http://www.weheartit.com/

The Little Joys of Christmastime

All the world is a coffee shop,

with extra whipped cream on top.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Outside it's cold, but inside it's hot.

A plate of cookies sits by the cot.                                                   

Hot chocolate fills the kettle and the pot.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Look at the snowmen as the children play.

They are practically alive on this crisp winter day.

Bring on the bells, the gifts, and the sleigh!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Carolers pass out candy canes.

Santa rings a bell at the Christmas parade.

Family and friends celebrate the day.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Figuring it Out

Trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life isn't always a simple task.  How do you know if you are headed in the right direction?  It is kind of like putting a puzzle together.  There are so many pieces - so many possibilities.  Which one fits where?  Does it go here or there?

Where will I end up in this complex world full of choices and diversity, people and places, diversity and change?  Will I ever really fit in anywhere, or will I forever be stuck in the constant state of Limbo?  It's a thought provoking question, but there isn't really a definite answer.  Nobody ever really knows where they will end up from day to day.  There are plenty of know-it-alls that will tell you they know, but the truth is, only God knows for sure.

This is because wherever there is room for an answer, there is also room for a sliver of doubt.  We are merely humans; we can do very little to change the future.  We just have to sit back, relax, wait, and watch, as if the future is a movie playing right before our eyes...

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Life Lesson #1: Happiness Only Costs 25 Cents :)

How awesome was it when you could get everything you wanted in this world for 25 cents?

As children, we appreciated the smallest things in life - a piece of bubble gum, a dandelion, finger painting, and making mud pies.  However, as we grow older, sometimes we forget these little aspects of our life that made us so happy. 

Why are children generally happier?  The answer is simple:  they appreciate and enjoy the finer things in life.  They have no one to impress but themselves.  Adults, on the other hand, often fake a smile, go to dinner parties with people they don't really like, and buy overpriced junk that satisfies them for a moment at the most, but then the attraction seems to dwindle.

Life Lesson #1:  Live today as if you were a child.  Don't let stress get in the way of having a good time.  We don't have time to be embarrassed - we only have time to have fun, and be with those we love.  Forget everything else for a minute.

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Dear World

I am sorry I have not written in so long.  I keep meaning to write, but life keeps getting in my way.  Between school, rehearsals, and my social life, I just haven't had much time.  However, I will try to write very soon.  God knows I need to.  Please don't give up on me yet!  :)

Coexist: Stop Judging, Start Loving.

For some reason, I have been thinking about the word "coexist" lately.  I decided to look it up on the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary, and this is the two definitions it gave me:

1: to exist together or at the same time

2: to live in peace with each other especially as a matter of policy

 

I, myself, liked the second definition best.  I believe strongly in tolerating everyone, whether you agree with their lifestyle or not.  It is just common courtesy to be friendly to everyone, and acknowledge that every individuals opinion matters. 

As I said, I have been thinking about coexisting quite a bit lately - what it means, and what it entails.  However, the reason I made the decision to write on this topic, today particularly, is because a fellow blogger informed me in her post that today is National Coming Out Day.  Cate wrote a wonderful blog on tolerating other people, and accepting them.  While I do not personally belong to the LGBT community, I have many friends who do.  I also have friends of other religions, races, social classes, and backgrounds.  I support them all 100 percent - not necassarily because I agree with every single thing they do, but because they are my friend.  They are a human being, as am I.  I want to be treated equally and with respect, so why shouldn't I treat them the way I would like to be treated?

Coexisting is such a powerful word to me.  People have bumper stickers, clothes, and even tattoos - all dedicated to that one word.  I know what it means to me, but what does it mean to you?  Do you believe in coexisting?  Do you ever find yourself judging someone of another religion, race, sexual orientation, or even someone who is just a little different than you?  Well, today I just have one request for all of you:  stop judging, and start loving.  We all need to learn how to coexist with one another, and the world would be a much better place if we could.  Whether you are a Christian or not, there is one Bible passage I believe all of us should try to live by.  Romans 12:21 says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."  So, stop judging, start loving. 



Image courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

The Million Dollar Question.

“Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.” –Henry Miller


Is it possible to be too passionate about doing what you love?  Can you become so engrossed with one hobby, that your desire to do it eventually runs out?  It is a question that has been pestering my mind, as of late.  It is making me ask myself over and over again, “What do I really want to do with my life?”  What is more important to me in the future – having a family, or a successful career?  How do I see myself in 20 years?  Where will I end up?  There are so many questions; it can get to be totally overwhelming at times!  I know this happens to many college students, but I sure didn’t think I would be one of them!  I have had a plan set in place for awhile now!  I thought I knew without a doubt what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure. Lately, I cannot stop reevaluating everything.  I only hope that I can make the right decisions.  Thank God that everything happens for a reason. I hope that saying is true now, more than ever.

OUT: Myspace and Facebook. IN: Twitter!

Myspace
Facebook
Twitter

Social networking websites go through the weirdest phases.  First it was Myspace, then it was Facebook, and just recently, I have discovered Twitter.  I still only have 9 followers, but I feel like I am slowly working my way up there in the Twitter world.  It's odd, isn't it?  You can get so addicted to those websites; it is like suddenly your friends all live inside of a computer.  It's a way to connect with people far away.  Personally, I think someone should just create a website called:  http://www.twitmyface.com/, which can be used as a universal social networking website.  Then, we don't have to have 2 or 3 profiles on different websites!  Twitter is obviously not the same as Myspace or Facebook though.  It is pretty general...you just post updates as to what you are doing at the moment.  Because I'm a writer, I kind of like that idea.  It's nice to come up with witty, little statuses a few times a day!  I love to be funny and incorporate my sense of humor into it too.  With that said, maybe I will share some of my statuses with you soon!  Would you like that?  Let me know what you would like me to blog about.  I would love for you to share your suggestions with me anytime!

Arrogance is Ignorance.

Some people are just plain stuck up.  It's like they don't even get it.  It makes you wonder whether they have a really low or a really high self esteem.  Do they think they are so stinkin' awesome that they deserve to have their cake and eat it too?  Or are they really the opposite?  Are they just so unsure of themselves that they must annoy and insult those around them for a sense of self satisfaction? 

I think we all know a person like this.  If you don't, chances are you may be that person.  The question is, what do we do about these parasites who live off of attention?  They thrive on controversy centered around themselves, because that allows them to get the desired attention that they want without making it obvious.  It looks as if the starter of the controversy is the one who told the stuck up person off, while the stuck up person is just an innocent bystander.

No, the best thing to do is ignore them.  It will devastate their ginormous ego, and maybe you will help them realize that conceitedness does nothing for them.  Then again, maybe they won't realize this.  Maybe they are too caught up in their own little world.  However, at least you'll feel better!

Graphic courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Luckiest of All

Very few people realize the depth of his compassion.  He is under appreciated, because he does not let the outside world see the full extent of what an incredible man he is.  He never begs for attention.  He asks little of anyone.  He does not want to be a burden.  However, he will carry you if you need to be carried, and not look back once.  People pass him by on the street without ever knowing what an extraordinary person they have just passed.  You are lucky if you know him.  You are ignorant if you know him and don't love him.  I am not sure if he chose me, or if I chose him.  Was it God?  Was it fate...or destiny?  I may never know while living on this earth.  However, I guess that makes me the luckiest of all.  The force that brought us together does not necessarily matter as much as the fact that we are together now...and tomorrow doesn't matter yet.