Thanksgiving 2015.:)

Unsaid.

"Honey I'm tougher than the rest."

-Bruce Springsteen

*songwriters include:  Michael Clark and Jeffrey David Stevens

 

 

Over a year of suffering; over a year of things left unsaid.

My only comfort in all of this is that there were no words left unsaid between my dad and I.

 

"And the days went by like paper in the wind
Everything changed, then changed again
It's hard to find a friend"

-Tom Petty

 

September.

 

"As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

 

 

Yesterday is Over Now.

9/19/15
Very early in the morning: 

Two years ago at this time, I was probably sleeping soundly in my bed. Little did I know what horrors the daylight would bring. Two years ago at this time, I was a little girl. I thought I was an "adult", but I wasn't...not really. I thought I had been through hard times, but nothing before would compare to what the next ten months would bring. My dad went to the doctor because he was having trouble swallowing. We didn't think it was anything serious, so I was not nearly as concerned as I should have been. Later that day while I was goofing off at home, my dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. My mom came in and told me...my dad was still out in the car. It was the most surreal thing to ever happen to me. When Dad came in, I gave him a long hug and sobbed into his arms like a baby. It hurts so badly even now to think of how strong he still was in that moment. His arms around me were just so...strong. I watched my dad turn from that man into to a lifeless body with glazed over eyes in a matter of months. I still miss him so much every day. I miss his hugs, the way he smelled whenever he cleaned up to go somewhere, and the way he would honk and wave every time we passed an SCT bus when he wasn't working. I miss the talks we would have, going bowling with him, and all of the silly nicknames he would call me. I mourn for the moments in the future that he will not be here for. My future husband will never be able to sit down with my dad, and ask permission for my hand in marriage. My dad will not walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. My dad will never get to experience being a grandpa to my future children. At times like this, his death is still very raw to me. Yes, I can be happy. Yes, I still enjoy life. Yes, it could have been worse. But that doesn't mean it didn't happen. I will always miss my dad, and I love him so much. I see him in people and things every day, and I can only hope that I always will. It's easy to take the people you love for granted, but I like to think that through my dad's diagnosis, sickness, and death, I have become much more cognizant of those I love. I appreciate all of the kind words people say to me, and all of the nice gestures. Now to end with a quote from one of my dad's favorite books: 

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love.” -Albus Dumbledore

Pictures found on Pinterest.

Silently Exploding 09/01/2015

I am a penguin:  black and white.  I struggle to see the colors within myself.

 

I have wings, but they only serve as a painful reminder that I am incapable of flying.  Everyone around me sees my wings and they ask, "Why don't you just fly?"  I simply tell them, "I can't."  They refuse to accept my answer.  They continue to insist that I can fly if I really want to - if I try just a little bit harder. 

 

I grow so frustrated with all of them - with myself - that my whole body tenses up.  I feel like a carbonated beverage trapped inside an aluminum can. 

 

All of these people just shake me, and shake me, and shake me.  When I finally open up, I explode.  It shocks them all.  They never believed that all of the shaking would actually cause an explosion.

 

After all, I am a penguin...always wearing my tuxedo.  I put on a happy face as I feel the avalanche shift beneath my feet.  I keep smiling as the avalanche pushes me farther and farther away until suddenly, I am not me anymore.  I am the remains of a crumpled up tuxedo, cold and soaking wet, lying underneath an avalanche.  I am suffocating as the snow and my shame engulf me until I can no longer move...I can no longer breathe.

 

And as they stare, they silently wonder why I didn't just fly...

1st picture on www.buzzfeed.com with a link to:  tumblr.com / Via schammelthecamel.tumblr.com

2nd picture on:  https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/1f4syf/baby_penguin/

Red Hair, Don't Care

In the last few days, I've decreased my friends list on Facebook from 1,009 to 892. I've been throwing trash bags of junk out of my bedroom, and put some worthwhile items in a bag to give away/sell. I love my red hair. I've read 15 books this year. I've lost weight, gained a few pounds back, but I am planning on losing it again. I truly care about people, and have a killer sense of humor. I am great at doing my makeup. I am insecure...

but I am proud.

Stagnant.

I watch others prosper.  I stay.

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

Photo found on Pinterest.

 

9 Recent Summer Selfies...Because Why Not?

 

The flower I'm holding is fake.

 

 

I love infinity scarves.

 

 

I wasn't wearing makeup yet.

 

 

I took this one in a bathroom stall.

 

 

I took this one on my birthday (July 15th).

 

 

I was in a play called "Almost, Maine" recently portraying two different characters.

 

 

I don't remember why I took this picture.

 

 

I posted this picture on Instagram, captioned with some of my favorite Springsteen lyrics.

 

 

I didn't choose the hug life:  the hug life chose me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter to my Dad: One Year That You've Been Gone

 

 

Dear Dad,

I never would have imagined a few years ago that I would be writing to you like this, especially at the young age of 23.  It's been a year since you've been "gone", but what does that really mean anyway? 

 

 I think about you every day.  In some ways, you are just as present in my every day life as you were when you were alive, if not more so.  I miss all of the little things you used to do that drove me nuts.  I miss the way you would say, "You look cute, Mol," every time I was dressed up to go out somewhere.  I miss the silent conversations we had, even during your cancer when we would be sitting in a room together, and a million thoughts would be going through both of our minds.  I wish we had had more time.

 

  I think of all of the horrible dads out there that are just fathers...sperm donors...and nothing more.  I think of how great you were.  I was your only kid, but you never made me feel like you needed anymore than me to be happy.  I never felt the way some girls do...that their father would rather have had a son than a daughter.  We played with cars and dolls, you saw chick flicks with me, and had long conversations with me about "Harry Potter" because I found the books too boring to read myself. 

 

 I think the thing that upsets me more than anything about you being gone is that you will never get the chance to be a grandpa.  You would have been one hell of a good papaw, and it almost sickens me to know that my future children will only know you as an old picture in a frame.  I will do everything I can to make them know you better than that.

 

  My eyes are tearing up as I reread the words I am writing because I still miss you as much as I did the day you died.  I honestly cannot believe how strong I was...staying around the clock at White Oaks, holding your hand and talking to you as I sat by your bedside.  I guess I was so numb to the pain at that point that it was hard to feel anything.  I wanted everything to be over because I could see you were in such pain, but I also felt very selfish for wanting it to be over for me too.  It was hard living in limbo, not knowing whether today was the day.  It was difficult to tell you time and time again that it was okay to let go, especially in the late night/early morning right after my birthday.  It hurt to see you not even be able to get up to go to the bathroom, and hearing you say crazy things because you were so completely out of your head. 

 

 When I look back on that short period of time at the end, it really upsets me, but those aren't the things that I remember most.  I remember how much you loved to drive the bus, and all of the times you recorded my theatrical productions, and the way your laugh was both obnoxious and endearing at the same time. 

 

You are not physically with me anymore, but spiritually you are with me now more than ever.  Sometimes I can feel your presence right beside me, but I would give anything to have one last conversation with you, or receive one last hug.  I love you, Daddy, and I know you're in a better place.  I just wish I could still have you here with me sometimes too. 

 

 Like I said though in a card to you last year, I would rather have had 21 (right at 22) years with you as my dad, than 121 (or 122) years with anyone else.  I love you always, Daddy.  See you around if you don't turn square.

Love,
Molly

xoxoxoxoxo

Orange You Jealous?

"My fingernail polish is jaundice orange."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

 

It Feels Like Dependence Day Without You

 

No red or white, just blue.

 

 

 

 

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

 

 

 

Secrets, Lies, & Cotton Candy

Originally Written:  6/29/10 

You were like cotton candy - full of fluff, but lacking any real substance.  Or was I the cotton candy?  Melting in the presence of your seemingly sweet words, but eventually, inevitably, falling into the big, empty, black hole that was you...

How did I dissolve so easily?  Why did I melt inside your mouth - the place where smoke and secrets lingered?  Why did I want to be in a place that was so dark, empty, and broken? 

I'll tell you why.  I was lost then.  I was looking for some sort of protection - any sort of protection.  I thought I had found it - my own kind of promise land.

Little did I know...those promises were just cheap little lies.  You formed them in your secret filled head, and then they rolled right off of your lying tongue.

But you are no more than cotton candy.  No more than a sweet exterior that lacks any actual substance. 

I won't

melt for

 you.

Photos courtesy of: http://www.photobucket.com/, http://www.msn.com/, and the first one at the top is one I took myself on my cell phone camera and edited. :)

No Four Letter Words

 

 

 

"You are not worth the expletives."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!


Photo courtesy of:  Someone on the Internet

My First Fatherless Father's Day

So many people say "Happy Father's Day" every year, so frivolously, certain that there will be a countless number of Father's Days to come. I used to feel the same way before I lost the only father I've ever known. I would give anything to be with my dad this Father's Day, so please give yours a hug for me if you are lucky enough to still have him around. Appreciate him, and don't take the time you two spend together for granted. A lot of people claim the philosophy "live like there's no tomorrow", but very few people truly live by it. Yet suddenly, when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer every minute, every word, every picture becomes precious. I love and miss you, Dad. I am so glad you chose me to be your daughter. It was the best 22 years a little girl could ever ask for. See you around if you don't turn square.

Six Words Silverware

"Plastic silverware tastes better than metal."

*Please note as of 6/20/2015
I realized, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I unintentionally stole it from her blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but please know that the idea came from Show Me Cate's "Six WORD Saturday".  Although I did not realize it, I apologize for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!


Photo courtesy of:  www.dixie.com

On the Loss of a Parent

With Father's Day approaching, I decided I would write about something that I have not posted much about on here:  the death of my father.  My dad had a jovial demeanor, was an avid reader and writer, and loved to bowl.  He was only 68 when he passed away, this past July on a lazy summer afternoon.  He had been battling esophageal cancer for over ten months, and was more than ready to go after fighting a hard fight that just could not be won.  It was obviously a very difficult thing for my mom and I to go through.  Throughout the whole experience, we had friends who became family, and family who became mere acquaintances.  It is hard to lose a parent at any age, but I lost my dad literally just a few days after turning 22.  I think this is an especially hard age to lose a parent.  People expect you to be an adult (because you are), but then treat you with kid gloves at other times (because you are still so young).  It is a very peculiar thing.  With that said, I would like to gently point out some things you should do/not do, and say/not say to a young adult who has lost a parent, in my humble opinion for what it's worth:

• Often people try to compare the death of your parent to the death of their grandpa/grandma, aunt/uncle etc.  This is usually meant to be a genuinely kind-hearted gesture...a way for them to relate to the pain you are experiencing.  PLEASE never do this unless said grandpa/grandma or aunt/uncle has raised you and has lived in the same home as you for an extended period of time.  I would not have understood that  at all before my dad died, but losing someone - even someone you see daily - who hasn't raised you is just is not the same.
• Do not avoid a person like the plague who has just experienced a loss.
• If you do not know what to say to a person who is experiencing a loss, be honest.  Tell them you don't know what to say.  It is more comforting to hear that than to hear nothing at all.
• If you find out one of your family members or friends have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, don't ask if there is anything you can do.  Of course there are millions of things you can do, so just do.  I know before I experienced the loss of my dad, I asked the same question to other people, but it is really hard for people to ask for help when they really need it.  It's human nature to want to be independent and to not want to ask people for help.  Don't put somebody already going through a hard time on the spot.  Do not be over-bearing, but offer to drive places if needed, grab extra groceries, or just take a small part of your day to make a phone call or send a text.  It truly makes a world of difference just knowing someone cares.

That's all I have for today, but I hope you found this post insightful or helpful in some way!  Like I said, these are not things I would expect people to know who have not been through a major loss, so from someone who has, please just consider taking my opinions into consideration.  Thank you so much!  And Happy Father's Day...to all the dad's, foster-dad's, adoptive dad's, dad's-to-be, fill in dad's, and dad's in Heaven.  To all of you who are blessed enough to still have your dad in your life, give him a hug for me and take a little extra time to appreciate him.  :)

Introducing Six Words Saturday!!!

I haven't written a series in quite some time.  So, literally just now, I decided I'd start a new one I would like to call Six Words Saturday.  The most famous six word story ever written was this:

 

"For sale:  baby shoes, never worn." -Ernest Hemingway

 

It is a heartbreaking poem, but also definitely carries a lot of meaning.  It is amazing what you can write using only six words.  Without further adieu, here are my first six words:

Dark nights lead to brighter mornings.

*Update as of 6/17/2015
I just realized that subconsciously, I must have taken the idea of "Six Words Saturday" from a blog I follow called "Show My Face" authored by Call Me Cate.  I apologize for making this sound like my idea when I must have accidentally stolen it from this blog.  I still plan on doing "Six Words Saturday", but just please know that the idea must have come from this blog that I already followed.  Like I said though, I did not realize that I had stolen it.  Sorry for not giving you credit in the first place Call Me Cate!  If you haven't already, please check out her blog by clicking on the link above!

Photo Courtesy of:  Someone on the Internet

 

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words.

Mirror mirror on the wall,

You will never see me fall.

05/01/15

I like the kind of people who smile with their teeth showing, even if their teeth are yellow or crooked, or they have a couple missing. I like when people dye their hair, and then their roots start to show. I like when men are gentlemen, not because I am incapable of fending for myself, but because sometimes I do want to feel like a stereotypical lady who is worth doing things for. I like the people who make fast food runs at 2 in the morning, and go on afternoon road trips unsure of their destination. I don't always enjoy life, but I love being alive, and that is what keeps me going. That is what keeps us all going in this world: the appetite for adventure, the euphoria, the pain...all wrapped together into one big package. Everyone is unique, but everyone is the same. And we all keep going.
-M.W.
‪

Don't Be Confused by Homophones

Because on the verge of 23, I would rather have a man who complements me rather than one who completes me.

 

Zig Zag

So many times, I wish I could tell my friends, "You deserve better."

Every so often, I wish I could tell myself,

"You

deserve

better.

 

 

You

 

deserve

 

better.

 

YOU

 

DESERVE

 

BETTER."

Photo found on Tumblr

 

 

Letter to My Future Self #2

Dear Future self,

 

How shall I even start?  I have written to you once before, and at that point I was young, with my first real boyfriend, and very naïve as far as love goes.  I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but will I ever really?  Though I am still anxious for the future, I am trying very hard to take things day by day. 

 

It is very sad to realize that the first time I wrote to you, I had no knowledge of the losses that would occur over the next few years:  most importantly, my dad and grandma.  I am doing alright now, but I can only hope and pray that you (Future Me) are/is doing better.

 

Anyway, I imagine you will do great things.  I don't know if they will be the same kinds of things that you thought you would do back in December of 2010, but who am I to venture a guess?  I don't know what outfit I'm wearing tomorrow (okay, honestly I,'ll be wearing khakis, my grey Sketchers, and some kind of Rend Lake College shirt because I'll be working, but you get the gist), let alone what I will be doing ten years from now.  And yes, Future Self, I do realize that was a weird run on sentence.  And yes, I realize the last one was a fragment.  And the last.  And the last.  And the last!  Okay, now I'm just being silly.

 

I can tell you this, if nothing else:  I truly believe in the person you are becoming.  You are becoming a better person every day...even on your bad days.  Like they say, "good things come to those who wait", and I just know better days are ahead for you, my friend.  I don't know how to end this, so see you in a few years, I guess.  :)

Best of luck...Love,

Molly

 

 

Letter to My Present Self #2

Dear Present Self, you are doing...okay.  You are trying to deal with the many losses that have occurred over the past year, and you are taking it day by day.  You have to remember that grief is a gradual process.  It is not something that ever completely goes away, AND THAT IS OKAY.  You put a smile on your face every day, and that is awesome in itself.  People continue to tell you how happy you seem, and though you may not always feel that way, I am proud of you for being able to always put on a brave face.  If you need to break down though, it's okay.  Just remember this quote by A.A. Milne:  

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

 

You degrade yourself far too often, but I know you are working on loving yourself each and every day.  Do not let your anxiety or depression get in the way of that.  You are doing good, kid.  Keep making the world a better place, because nothing would be the same without you in it!  Good things are coming your way...some that you already know about, and I am sure that there are even more that you don't!  Hang in there, and remember to live instead of just existing.

Love, 

Me

 

 

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)

Playlist of Songs Daddy Used to Sing to Me

When I was little, my dad used to sing a lot of songs to me...while he was brushing my teeth, while we were playing outside, while he was putting me to bed, etc.  These are a few of the songs I remember him singing to me:

1.    Let ‘Em In –Paul McCartney

2.   The Unicorn Song –The Irish Rovers

3.   Kaw-Liga –Hank Williams Jr.

4.   When I’m Sixty-Four –The Beatles

5.   Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini –Brian Hyland

6.   Do Wah Diddy Diddy –Manfred Mann

7.   Barbara Ann –The Beach Boys

8.   Mickey Mouse Club –Mickey Mouse

9.   Rubber Duckie – Ernie Ft. Little Richard

10.  Yellow Submarine –The Beatles

11.  Catch a Falling Star –Perry Como
12.  Walk Like an Egyptian -The Bangles
13.  We Will Rock You -Queen

I'm worse than a sad and angsty teenage girl...

 

Last night, one of our usual customers came into the store I have worked at for over two years and referred to me as a "keeper".  I immediately thought of one of my favorite poems, and began to wonder what exactly she meant when she called me that.  If I am such a "keeper", then why does no one want to keep me?  Perhaps, I am a "keeper", because I am the one who holds onto things for far too long.

 

And that in itself is so very sad.

Throwback Thursday

I never knew I would relate so much to a blog I wrote over five years ago.

I can.