Still, after all this time...

"One day you belonged to me
Next day I just wouldn't know
Someday all the rules will bend
And you and I will meet again"

-Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Maybe someday

Unsaid.

"Honey I'm tougher than the rest."

-Bruce Springsteen

*songwriters include:  Michael Clark and Jeffrey David Stevens

 

 

Over a year of suffering; over a year of things left unsaid.

My only comfort in all of this is that there were no words left unsaid between my dad and I.

 

"And the days went by like paper in the wind
Everything changed, then changed again
It's hard to find a friend"

-Tom Petty

 

On the Loss of a Parent

With Father's Day approaching, I decided I would write about something that I have not posted much about on here:  the death of my father.  My dad had a jovial demeanor, was an avid reader and writer, and loved to bowl.  He was only 68 when he passed away, this past July on a lazy summer afternoon.  He had been battling esophageal cancer for over ten months, and was more than ready to go after fighting a hard fight that just could not be won.  It was obviously a very difficult thing for my mom and I to go through.  Throughout the whole experience, we had friends who became family, and family who became mere acquaintances.  It is hard to lose a parent at any age, but I lost my dad literally just a few days after turning 22.  I think this is an especially hard age to lose a parent.  People expect you to be an adult (because you are), but then treat you with kid gloves at other times (because you are still so young).  It is a very peculiar thing.  With that said, I would like to gently point out some things you should do/not do, and say/not say to a young adult who has lost a parent, in my humble opinion for what it's worth:

• Often people try to compare the death of your parent to the death of their grandpa/grandma, aunt/uncle etc.  This is usually meant to be a genuinely kind-hearted gesture...a way for them to relate to the pain you are experiencing.  PLEASE never do this unless said grandpa/grandma or aunt/uncle has raised you and has lived in the same home as you for an extended period of time.  I would not have understood that  at all before my dad died, but losing someone - even someone you see daily - who hasn't raised you is just is not the same.
• Do not avoid a person like the plague who has just experienced a loss.
• If you do not know what to say to a person who is experiencing a loss, be honest.  Tell them you don't know what to say.  It is more comforting to hear that than to hear nothing at all.
• If you find out one of your family members or friends have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, don't ask if there is anything you can do.  Of course there are millions of things you can do, so just do.  I know before I experienced the loss of my dad, I asked the same question to other people, but it is really hard for people to ask for help when they really need it.  It's human nature to want to be independent and to not want to ask people for help.  Don't put somebody already going through a hard time on the spot.  Do not be over-bearing, but offer to drive places if needed, grab extra groceries, or just take a small part of your day to make a phone call or send a text.  It truly makes a world of difference just knowing someone cares.

That's all I have for today, but I hope you found this post insightful or helpful in some way!  Like I said, these are not things I would expect people to know who have not been through a major loss, so from someone who has, please just consider taking my opinions into consideration.  Thank you so much!  And Happy Father's Day...to all the dad's, foster-dad's, adoptive dad's, dad's-to-be, fill in dad's, and dad's in Heaven.  To all of you who are blessed enough to still have your dad in your life, give him a hug for me and take a little extra time to appreciate him.  :)

Letter to My Present Self #2

Dear Present Self, you are doing...okay.  You are trying to deal with the many losses that have occurred over the past year, and you are taking it day by day.  You have to remember that grief is a gradual process.  It is not something that ever completely goes away, AND THAT IS OKAY.  You put a smile on your face every day, and that is awesome in itself.  People continue to tell you how happy you seem, and though you may not always feel that way, I am proud of you for being able to always put on a brave face.  If you need to break down though, it's okay.  Just remember this quote by A.A. Milne:  

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

 

You degrade yourself far too often, but I know you are working on loving yourself each and every day.  Do not let your anxiety or depression get in the way of that.  You are doing good, kid.  Keep making the world a better place, because nothing would be the same without you in it!  Good things are coming your way...some that you already know about, and I am sure that there are even more that you don't!  Hang in there, and remember to live instead of just existing.

Love, 

Me

 

 

Letter to My Past Self #2

If you haven't read my original "Letter to My Past Self", click here.  I wrote this during my first semester of my first year in college, so obviously a lot has changed since then.  I would like to write a new one...over five years later.  Here goes nothing:

Dear Past Self,

 

How should I even start?  Last time I wrote to you, I thought I had been through the most difficult of hardships.  Frankly, I was wrong.  I have experienced so much more love and loss since I last wrote. 

First of all, I would like to tell you how much you will mature (emotionally) as a young adult, and that you will deal with things you never could have imagined.  Though you may not always see it, you maintain a sense of grace throughout all of your struggles that is absolutely remarkable.

 

Your education and career path will take an unexpected turn, but take note, that it is a very good change.  You will meet some very special children, and very special teachers, friends, and mentors who will become like family to you.  You will get your first taste of what it feels like to love like a mother does (but don't worry, we don't have kids of our own yet!)

 

 

You will also lose some very important people in your life.  All I can say, is treasure every moment you share with your family.  Give them hugs and tell them you love them often.  Celebrate every birthday and holiday with the utmost enthusiasm.  Very soon, those precious moments in your life will become only memories:  make the memories good ones.

With that said, plenty of people love you, and will take you in as if you are their own flesh and blood.  Some of your family will turn their backs on you, but other family members will pop out of the woodwork.  You also have a right to choose your own family by having the most wonderful friends.  Still, proceed with caution:  not everyone is as big-hearted as you are.  Trust people until they give you a reason not to, however when they give you a reason not to, QUESTION EVERYTHING.

 

 

In conclusion, don't stress out so much about the future.  Enjoy the little things, and live in the moment.  That may seem like the most cliché thing you've ever read, but you will soon come to realize how true it is. 

Love,

Me

 

 

Photos Courtesy of:  www.pinterest.com and wherever the Pinterest users got them from. :)

The Stages of Grieving

My cat looks up to the heavens,

As I fall down to my knees

 

I know that praying will not bring you back,

But perhaps it will give me some ease

 

Ease to go on without you

Ease to wake up every day

Ease to bring me some clarity, when I see no reason to stay

 

My heart knows you want me to be happy

I long to set my anxieties and depression free

But how can I even begin to cope without you standing beside me?

 

Someday I will walk down the aisle,

Wearing a pretty white dress,

Without my father to give me away –

To release me from my nest

 

I will be surrounded by people who love me,

But that will never replace,

The look I wish I could have seen, on your aging face

 

You will always be with me,

I know that to be true, but sometimes I selfishly wonder,

“How could you?”

 

How could you leave me here, on this dreadful earth?

How could you leave me here, as you rolled away in a hearse?

How could you leave me here, at such a pivotal point in my life?

How could you leave us here alone – your daughter and your wife?

 

But I have to stop and remember,

You would be here if it was in your control

 

I cannot begin to blame you, for being taken home

I cannot blame God

I cannot blame fate

I just have to rest assured that I will see you again someday

 

For that is the only source of comfort as I get up off my knees

I know you are somewhere driving a bus, though your time here has ceased

I know that you are my guardian angel, and that is what gives me ease