Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.


Monday, December 15, 2014

Souls of Christmas Past

Written:  December 4, 2014

Remember last year when we decorated Grandma's Christmas tree, as Dad sat and watched?

Now you are gone, Grandma is gone, Dad is gone, and I may not be gone physically, but my soul is fading fast.

Photo found on Tumblr

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

The Stages of Grieving

My cat looks up to the heavens,
As I fall down to my knees
I know that praying will not bring you back,
But perhaps it will give me some ease
Ease to go on without you
Ease to wake up every day
Ease to bring me some clarity, when I see no reason to stay
My heart knows you want me to be happy
I long to set my anxieties and depression free
But how can I even begin to cope without you standing beside me?
Someday I will walk down the aisle,
Wearing a pretty white dress,
Without my father to give me away –
To release me from my nest
I will be surrounded by people who love me,
But that will never replace,
The look I wish I could have seen, on your aging face
You will always be with me,
I know that to be true, but sometimes I selfishly wonder,
“How could you?”
How could you leave me here, on this dreadful earth?
How could you leave me here, as you rolled away in a hearse?
How could you leave me here, at such a pivotal point in my life?
How could you leave us here alone – your daughter and your wife?
But I have to stop and remember,
You would be here if it was in your control
I cannot begin to blame you, for being taken home
I cannot blame God
I cannot blame fate
I just have to rest assured that I will see you again someday
For that is the only source of comfort as I get up off my knees
I know you are somewhere driving a bus, though your time here has ceased
I know that you are my guardian angel, and that is what gives me ease

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The First Snow Without You.

Dad used to always tell me when it was snowing.  Now I have nothing but the voice of a memory, and snowflakes falling down from the Heavens to a cold and brutal earth.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

I Just Wish I Only had 99 Problems...

I have to admit, that it's hard to write anything good, when everything happening to you is bad.  You may think that I'm being dramatic, but you don't really don't know my life.  You only know what I choose to share with you on here, which isn't a whole lot right now.  I have turned into a cynical, self-deprecating bum.  Being happy go lucky is a thing of the past for me.  I am officially an adult, and it sucks.  When I say that I am an adult, it doesn't necessarily mean that I act like one.  I have become more dependent than ever.  When I say that I am an adult it just means that I am a depressed mess:  nothing more, nothing less.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, yet it is all happening to me...all at once.  BAM!  BAM!  BAM!  The world is against me, and there is nothing at all that I can do about it.  I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy, when that is one thing I cannot even do for myself.  It's sad, but from what I hear, that's life.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Until Next Time...

Since I last wrote, Griffin (my boyfriend) and I, have started going to the gym regularly.  I have gone almost every day since we got our free pass with either Griffin, or my friend, Carrie.  I swear, it is making me feel so much better already!  I haven't been nearly as sore as I thought I would be afterwards, but I can tell during the workout that I am exercising muscles that I am not used to using.  I have already lost a few pounds, and I am super excited!

I also just finished reading this really great book called "This Star Won't Go Out" by Esther Earl, with Lori and Wayne Earl.  It is a non-fiction book that tells the story of a girl battling thyroid cancer through her journals, online conversations, drawings, etc.  Actually, John Green dedicated "The Fault in Our Stars" to THIS girl!  (If you haven't read that book yet you are either crazy or live under a rock!)  LOL

Anyway, other than that, I don't much else I want to say now.  There are things I could say, but I like to keep my personal life at least somewhat personal.  Until next time...

With love,

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Alone and Bittersweet

It's really funny how things change as you grow older.  My best friends from high school promised me that we would always be friends.  We are not.  In fact, I only have one friend from high school that I see on a regular basis, and that is my best friend, Shannon.  Then I got to college and I met SO many people who were like me.  Most of them have graduated or done something else with their lives, and I am still here.  I have barely stayed in touch with any of them, except for the occasional social media comment.  The thing was, they used to be so much like me, but I have changed so drastically in the past few years.  I am a totally different person than I was when I started college.  I still love theatre, but it is not the focal point of my life like it used to be, at least not for right now.  I am an Early Childhood Education major.  Children are my life now, and I may never pursue a career in professional theatre, as difficult as that is for me to admit.  When I was eighteen and starting college, I thought I would be long gone at this point.  Now that I am twenty-one though, I see myself staying in the exact same place, at least for another year or two.  I have big dreams, and I always will; that will never change.  It just seems that as I have matured my old dreams have become new dreams, and my life has not turned out the way I expected it to.  I am both happy and sad about this.  I am at the point that I do not have much growing up left to do until I am grown up.  It's bittersweet really.  I leave you with a quote that used to be one of my favorites a long time ago back in the era of Myspace and high school:  "Be happy for this moment.  This moment is your life." -Omar Khayyam

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013
I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.