My First Fatherless Father's Day

So many people say "Happy Father's Day" every year, so frivolously, certain that there will be a countless number of Father's Days to come. I used to feel the same way before I lost the only father I've ever known. I would give anything to be with my dad this Father's Day, so please give yours a hug for me if you are lucky enough to still have him around. Appreciate him, and don't take the time you two spend together for granted. A lot of people claim the philosophy "live like there's no tomorrow", but very few people truly live by it. Yet suddenly, when someone you love is diagnosed with cancer every minute, every word, every picture becomes precious. I love and miss you, Dad. I am so glad you chose me to be your daughter. It was the best 22 years a little girl could ever ask for. See you around if you don't turn square.

Letter to My Present Self #2

Dear Present Self, you are doing...okay.  You are trying to deal with the many losses that have occurred over the past year, and you are taking it day by day.  You have to remember that grief is a gradual process.  It is not something that ever completely goes away, AND THAT IS OKAY.  You put a smile on your face every day, and that is awesome in itself.  People continue to tell you how happy you seem, and though you may not always feel that way, I am proud of you for being able to always put on a brave face.  If you need to break down though, it's okay.  Just remember this quote by A.A. Milne:  

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” 

 

You degrade yourself far too often, but I know you are working on loving yourself each and every day.  Do not let your anxiety or depression get in the way of that.  You are doing good, kid.  Keep making the world a better place, because nothing would be the same without you in it!  Good things are coming your way...some that you already know about, and I am sure that there are even more that you don't!  Hang in there, and remember to live instead of just existing.

Love, 

Me

 

 

Doughnuts and Lies

I can't stop thinking about that first day - the first day that I really saw you.  I skipped eating out at my favorite restaurant so I could surprise you with doughnuts, and you were so appreciative.  You couldn't stop smiling, and the more you smiled, the more I felt my heart melting into nothing but a pile of warmth - and dare I say - love?  You kept saying "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" because you didn't know yet whether or not it was appropriate to curse in front of me.  I only wish I could go back to that day.  I wish every day after could have been as purely genuine as that day.  The sad thing is, as beautiful as that day was, your lies seemed just as beautiful.  I gave you the truth, and in return, you gave me beautiful, wonderful, lies.  Now I am alone with my own truth, and it hurts.  It hurts like hell.  Sometimes, in moments like these, I think I would give anything for your beautiful lies to give me comfort once more.

 

All of My Feelings

Written:  October 15, 2013

 

I sit here in my Papaw’s old chair, a little after 6 in the morning, with my cat on my lap.  I am thinking because it’s what I do best, and what else is there to do a few minutes after 6 in the morning?  I am still trying to deal with the fact that my dad has cancer.  And the only other thing I can think about is how badly I want to fall in love.  But it seems no one will even glance my way because I am not a size 2.  This is honestly how I feel, and it sucks butt.  I wish people would see me for me, and not for my size.  I know I’m not fat, but I’m not skinny either.  Please pronounce “either” "i-ther" in this instance.  That’s not the way I usually pronounce it, but at the moment it just seems more fitting.  I don’t know what to do when I feel so alone.  I don’t want to die; I just want to feel like I’m LIVING.

 

*******************************************************************************

Luckily, things have changed since I wrote this.  Yes, my dad still has cancer, BUT he is doing better for the moment.  I have fallen in love, and my boyfriend is truly a blessing.  He's also really cute.  :)  I know I haven't blogged consistently in a really long time.  I keep saying I will start again and don't, but this time I truly want to.

 

 

 

To Be So Young, To Be So Old.

In less than 12 full days I will legally be allowed to consume alcoholic beverages, and this fact alone depresses the hell out of me.  I wish I knew why.  Lately, all I can think of is everything that has ever happened to me thus far in life.  I was sixteen, and everything was so what?  Full of opportunity?  I don't know if that is the right way to put it, but it's the only way I can think of right now.  I feel like I should have made so many decisions by now that I haven't made.  Kissed so many people that I haven't kissed.  I have so many stretch marks that I shouldn't have.  It is a weird feeling being so old, yet having all of your elders claim you are so young.  It all makes me wonder:  am I who I was?  How long will it take for me to get to who I will be?  How much longer can I last in this in between state of not being a teenager, but not being an adult either? 

This is How I Feel

I have tried to write several times recently, but then I always hit the backspace key.  In fact, I did that just a moment ago.  Everything I try to write just seems stupid.  I feel like I am trying to force it, which I am, but still.  Why does nothing in life inspire me anymore?  I miss the me I used to be.  So many things run through my head, but not anything creative or new.  It's all the same old thing.  Am I losing it?  What is "it" anyway?  Am I losing myself?  My sense of humor?  My creativity?  My friends?  My grip on life?  I don't know.  I don't seem to know anything anymore, and it sucks.  I am so tired of holding in how I feel, just so others don't worry or feel bad.  So, this is how I feel, and right now, this is me.

Little Things

 

I am not sure who took this photo, or who edited it.  The only thing I know is that I found it on Tumblr, and it seemed to fit my feelings about life so well.  I don't need a big house.  I don't need millions of dollars to be happy.  I need love to be happy - not just the love of a person, but the things I love in life, surrounding me.  I need to watch funny videos on Youtube, to feed ducks in the park, to finish a book, to look through old photo albums, to eat pizza and not care how many calories I am ingesting into my body.  I would rather be starving to death doing something I love, than bored to death doing something I hate.

To Fake a Smile or to Cry Awhile?

Everyone always says that it is up to you to make yourself happy.  While I believe this to some extent, I am not sure that I totally buy into it.  After the death of a loved one, are you supposed to be a-okay the next day?  When a natural disaster strikes in your community, are you supposed to immediately get over it?

No, I don't think you should be bitter your whole life over something that happened when you were two, but there are just some things that are really difficult to get over.  Why should I have to be happy all the time, and how can I make myself happy if I am constantly being put down?  Sometimes, life just sucks.  Sure, I can fake a smile with the best of them, but why should I always have to?

To be honest, I am not just talking about deaths and natural disasters.  I am talking about friend problems, heartbreak, rejection, feeling alone.  I am talking about the little things.  Sometimes, I just want to be in a bad mood.  If crying makes me feel better in the long run, then why not?  As long as you do not become a generally negative, pessimistic, bitter, cynical person, I think occasional bad moods are healthy to an extent.  If you never feel depressed, angry, lonely, devastated...then how will you ever truly appreciate when something good comes along?



Photo courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

Truth Is...

Ain't that the truth.  Some of you may have been reading my blog for a few weeks, months.  A select few of you may even have been reading it for years.  So, I bid you the question:  Do you feel that you know me because you have read a few things about me, shared a few pictures with you? 

The answer is no.  You do not know me (unless you have met me in real life of course).  Don't get me wrong - there are many of you I would LOVE to meet, LOVE to be friends with.  I sincerely like some of the people whose blogs I have read, and people who have commented on my blog throughout the years.  With that said, it does not mean I know you. 

I know the people who I have shared secrets with, ridden in the passenger seat by, went to see a movie with.  I know the people who have sucked up to me, put me down, and made me feel inferior.  I know the people who I have been in pictures with, the people who have given me hugs, the people who have annoyed the crap out of me.  I do not, however, know you.  It may be a sad fact, but it's true.

I can think I know you, and you can think you know me, but that fact of the matter is we really do not know each other.  For all you know, I could be a 56 year old man from Antarctica in a civil union with a man who hates beavers.  Granted, I am not.  I do not even know if Antarctica allows civil unions, but the thing is you only know little snippets about me that I have told you.  You know nothing more, nothing less.  Think about this as your are enjoying the internet and social networking.  Though it is fun and a way to make friends, you need to see people, places, things, and ideas for what they really are.

Sappy Sammy's Status

Social networking:  I have written about this topic before.  It has become so popular the past couple of years, that it is becoming very hard to ignore.  It is so easy to share your feelings.  To be even more specific, it is very easy to share your negative feelings.


With that said, I realize that all of us complain at some point.  We cannot go through a life of only sunshines and rainbows.  However, there are certain things that we should learn to keep to ourselves - or at least not share with the entire world.

How many of you have Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter?  Now, let me ask you this:  How many of you have a Debbie Downer or a Sappy Sammy on your preferred social networking website?  You know the drill.  He or she is constantly updating his or her "status".  It always has to be about how much the said person's life sucks.  In response to the status, there are a million bajillion comments that go something like:

Awww, I'm sorry!  :(
What's wrong?  Text me.

:(  I LOVE YOU!

Which gives said person the attention he or she desires.  Does nobody else find this incredibly annoying?  Sometimes I think I am the only one who even notices, but maybe not.  Maybe there are others out there that feel the same way I do.  How do you feel about the increase in social networking, sharing your thoughts online, and those Debbie Downers or Sappy Sammy's in your life?

Photo and graphic courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

 

Cancer > Gemini

Do you know what is completely absurd?  I have been a Cancer my whole, entire life.  Now, according to some sources, I am a Gemini.  What?!?!  How is it possible?  One day, I wake up, and supposedly I am a  Gemini??!  It is ludicrous!  I am a Cancer through and through - I am emotional, moody, AND sensitive.

I found a great website with the different zodiac meanings.  According to the website, Cancers are ruled by the moon.  We are mothering creatures, who tend to be very emotional.  On the other hand, it says Geminis are NOT emotional, NOT personal, and it pretty much describes the polar opposite of my personality!  Maybe I am overreacting a little, but I have always been interested in zodiac signs.   How can they change on me so suddenly?!

Well, I don't care what sources say.  I will remain a Cancer forever.

How do all of you feel about this sudden change of zodiac signs, and the addition of a new zodiac sign.  Do you put any value into what your horoscope says, or do you at least read it for fun?  Please share your feelings!  Tell me I'm right, tell me I'm wrong, just TELL ME SOMETHING!!!!!



Photos courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

The College Life is the Life For Me!

College is so weird sometimes.  Maybe part of the reason I feel that way because I went to such a small high school.  I was so sheltered at my high school.  I went to school every day with the same people.  I knew all of their names.  I could tell you many of their religious and political beliefs.  A good majority of them had the same feelings about...well, pretty much everything.

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit, but you get the gist of my point.  College is different.  You can go through a whole semester and not know the name of everyone in your class - let alone their religious or political beliefs!  Sometimes it is kind of nice.  In high school, everyone worries so much about reputations; in college, there is no need to. 

Of course, some would argue that the college life can be lonely at times.  That is a very valid point.  It can be lonely at times, but it can also be very rewarding.  You get to hang out with people who share the same interests as you.  If you feel like being alone in the peace and quiet, you can just go chill out in the library for a few minutes.  You are whoever you say you are.  There are people at college that haven't known you your whole life.  It's like a fresh start, a turn of the page, the beginning of something that will be whatever you make it out to be...

Images courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

It's Just One of Those Days...

 

You know those days...

when it feels like everything is going wrong, no matter how hard you try?  Yeah.  Today is one of those days.

Image courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/ 

Double Take

Have you ever come across someone in your life that eerily resembles a person from your past?  I know this has happened to me on several occasions.  Of course, I tend to be paranoid, but that doesn't change the fact that it happens.  Most recently, this has happened in my college math class. 

I call him Punk Boy, and he looks so much like a person from my past, that my heart almost stops sometimes when I see him.  I start to go into defense mode before I realize that the person I see is Punk Boy - not that creepy guy from my past.  It is such a weird feeling though.  The first day I saw Punk Boy, I knew then that he would haunt me to an extent. 

Okay, so maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but isn't that why they call it *creative* writing?!  Besides, the main point is still true.  People from your past can creep up on you when you least expect it, in the most unexpected ways...
Have you had similar experiences?  How did it make you feel, and what did you end up doing about it, if anything?  I want to hear YOUR story.


Image courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Overwhelming Sensations...

She falls into a deep sleep for a few moments,

but then...she wakes up.

Water splashes her face - it's so cold!

Ahhh...it is colder than ice in Alaska,

but surprisingly feels very refreshing.

What is this overwhelming sensation?

Smell.  See.  Hear.  Taste.  FEEL!

It's all coming to her at once now - these overwhelming sensations.

Photo courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Where's the Reward?

You know that horrible feeling of trying and trying, but never being quite good enough?  It is that feeling of working so hard for something, that the reward is almost tangible.  The reward may be tangible, but it is not yet within your reach.  You think you can grab it, and you try!  Oh!  You try so hard to grab it, and to hold on to it  with all of your might. 

Then, like a balloon floating up into the sky, the opportunity you have been waiting on for so long, is gone.  You wonder what you did wrong, but it's not about what you did wrong.  You may feel that way, but it's not.  It is about what all of the other people did right.  It is who they knew, or their social status, or maybe, just maybe, even their talent.

Unfortunately, not enough things in life are based on talent anymore.  Take that as a life lesson, kids, and be ready for it.  No matter how hard you try to convince yourself it doesn't happen, it always does. 

Photo courtesy of:  Photobucket

Arrogance is Ignorance.

Some people are just plain stuck up.  It's like they don't even get it.  It makes you wonder whether they have a really low or a really high self esteem.  Do they think they are so stinkin' awesome that they deserve to have their cake and eat it too?  Or are they really the opposite?  Are they just so unsure of themselves that they must annoy and insult those around them for a sense of self satisfaction? 

I think we all know a person like this.  If you don't, chances are you may be that person.  The question is, what do we do about these parasites who live off of attention?  They thrive on controversy centered around themselves, because that allows them to get the desired attention that they want without making it obvious.  It looks as if the starter of the controversy is the one who told the stuck up person off, while the stuck up person is just an innocent bystander.

No, the best thing to do is ignore them.  It will devastate their ginormous ego, and maybe you will help them realize that conceitedness does nothing for them.  Then again, maybe they won't realize this.  Maybe they are too caught up in their own little world.  However, at least you'll feel better!

Graphic courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/

Trials and Tribulations, Victories and Celebrations!!!!!

Well, well, well.  Today has been a monumental day in my life.  I FINALLY GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!!!  =D  I am 18, so really I should have had it by now, but due to an accident in driver's ed (not my fault), I lost my nerve for awhile.  I feel a sense of freedom now, like I am a little bit more independent.  Watch the roads...here comes Molly!!!  

Another monumental day in my life is August 16th:  my first day of college.  Weird, isn't it?  How time flies!  I am sad because I have so many friends left at my high school, but I am also thrilled to meet an array of new people.  It will be fun to experience such diversity all in one place!  I am happy to be starting this new life.  Look forward to hearing about my trials and tribulations, my victories and celebrations!  Stay tuned!   

On a different note, August 9th was the second month anniversary of when Ryan and I (my boyfriend) officially started dating.  :)  Love is a wonderful thing!

Run With Me!!!

I have so much energy I feel like running - well, hypothetically anyway.  I can't get enough, but I am getting too much.  I am a wildflower that has been picked, but is still free to do what she wants.  Feeling owned but still feeling free; it's the best feeling in the world.  I am a walking, talking cliche, off to run through a field of wildflowers and butterflies.  When did I get so predictable?  However, I am more spontaneous than ever before.  I am so much more than ever before, and I feel welcome. 

Photo courtesy of:  www.photobucket.com

Slowly But Surely.

Not Good Enough.

Yes, I'll admit it - I often have an inferiority complex.  Even when it's not my fault, I feel guilty.  I am my own worse critic.  I suppose I also have high expectations of other people sometimes, but it is only because I have high expectations of myself. 

I often keep my negative feelings to myself.  With that said, it can mean that every once in awhile I blow up.  Now, this doesn't happen very often, but it has happened several times in the past. I am not great at speaking my feelings in person or on the phone, which means I have had several text messaging volcanoes erupt.  I know that text messages are not the best way to deal with things, but sometimes it is the only way I can.  There have also been the occasional computer arguments.  If I couldn't type out what I feel instead of saying it, it more than likely would not be said. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to express myself through my writing, because sometimes writing is the only way I can vent at all.  I know some people would probably think that trait makes me weak - I rely on technology too much.  Although I am trying to make some changes, it will take time for me to do that.  It will be gradual, but hopefully the internal changes I need to make will come.  Slowly but surely...

Photos/Graphics Courtesy of:  http://www.photobucket.com/