01/12/17

Sometimes, I get scared.  The only really close family I have left is my mom.  Grandma is dead.  Papaw is dead.  Dad is dead.  She has plenty of struggles with her health too, and what if something happens to her?  How could I go on living in a world where I would feel so alone?  I know I have a multitude of people who would be watching out for me even if something were to happen to my mom, but would it really matter anymore?  Would anything really matter anymore?

  I take pride in being so strong, but sometimes I feel like people only think I’m strong because I don’t let them see my weak side.  The truth is, I am terrified.  I don’t know if I’ve ever even completely admitted that to myself until right now, but I am scared to death.

 It’s almost like starting out of a video game with five vibrant red hearts indicating the number of lives you have, and watching three of them fade to a dull and stale pink.  You’ve still got those two extra lives, but if the second to last one disappears?  It’s all on you, and suddenly you almost wish for that one to just disappear too.  It’s less frightening to imagine everything fading away, rather than having to deal with the pressure of having that one, single life left.

I want so badly to be productive right now, but my brain will not shut down.  I need to sleep.  I need to have the will to want to go to sleep so that I can function in school, so that I can have a good day, so that I can have the will to keep on winning the war every day against my anxiety.

So, I write.  That way, even if for some reason, I am not able to win the war, I will have at least documented my battle.  I can be honorably discharged, and will only have to live with the battle scar of not being good enough.  In reality though, isn’t that the worst kind of battle scar of all?

To Fake a Smile or to Cry Awhile?

Everyone always says that it is up to you to make yourself happy.  While I believe this to some extent, I am not sure that I totally buy into it.  After the death of a loved one, are you supposed to be a-okay the next day?  When a natural disaster strikes in your community, are you supposed to immediately get over it?

No, I don't think you should be bitter your whole life over something that happened when you were two, but there are just some things that are really difficult to get over.  Why should I have to be happy all the time, and how can I make myself happy if I am constantly being put down?  Sometimes, life just sucks.  Sure, I can fake a smile with the best of them, but why should I always have to?

To be honest, I am not just talking about deaths and natural disasters.  I am talking about friend problems, heartbreak, rejection, feeling alone.  I am talking about the little things.  Sometimes, I just want to be in a bad mood.  If crying makes me feel better in the long run, then why not?  As long as you do not become a generally negative, pessimistic, bitter, cynical person, I think occasional bad moods are healthy to an extent.  If you never feel depressed, angry, lonely, devastated...then how will you ever truly appreciate when something good comes along?



Photo courtesy of:  www.weheartit.com

Always in the Way?

I found the picture below while surfing the web, and I found it very moving.  It is, indeed, a PostSecret.

I don't know how many of you have heard of "PostSecret," so I will just explain it to you now in case you do not know about this amazing project.  According to http://www.postsecret.com/, "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard."  They then publish books with these anonymous secrets in them.  Actually, I have two of them, and they are very interesting to read.  It personally makes me feel less alone because we all have secrets.  We all have something about us that we have kept hidden from everyone else.

As I mentioned earlier, I found the PostSecret pictured above incredibly moving.  I believe it deserves to be recognized and discussed.  I think it is a secret almost all of us can relate to whether we will admit it or not.  I know I, for one, have felt ugly before.  I have felt like I was in the way.  I have felt that something would have been better of without me.  How about you?  Have you ever felt this way?

My Feelings About Social Networking.

The following is something I wrote for English. I hope you like it!...

Social networking has become quite popular over the past few years. Websites like Myspace, Facebook, or Twitter are used by people as young as thirteen or fourteen to people as old as fifty or sixty. People use these websites for various reasons. A fourteen year old girl might use Myspace to post cute pictures of herself, or maybe she'll want one just because "everybody else" has one. A sixty year old man might use Facebook to reconnect with old high school friends or stay in touch with grandkids. A thirty year old single mom may us Twitter to update her family and friends on how the kids are doing or even to use her profile much like a dating website to connect with other singles in her area.

Social networking websites definitely have their advantages. However, they also have plenty of disadvantages too. Social networking websites are very dangerous if you do not use them properly. People are not always who they say they are on the Internet, and social networking is no different. Think about it. A social networking website is the perfect place for criminals - especially sexual offenders.

A forty-five year old man can pose as a fifteen year old boy and talk to a fifteen year old girl. It is really that simple. Almost everyone who knows technology at all could go to Google and search for a picture of a young by. After the problem is solved, everything else comes easily.

Yes, you are supposed to agree to the terms and conditions of your preferred social networking website, but can you honestly say that you read them? How many people don't even skim the terms and conditions when they sign up, let alone read them word for word? That is why I believe that nobody, especially young children, should put information out there that is too identifying. Don't post anything that you don't want the whole world to see. Just because it's "private" doesn't mean it's safe.

Withdrawn.

She has withdrawn, and she knows it. It seems that she does not know how to interact with anyone anymore; her voice shakes, her hands tremble. What is wrong with me? she wonders. It feels as if the answer should be on the tip of her tongue, but nothing comes to mind.

She feels not so much that she has been abandoned, but that she has allowed people to abandon her. It isn't always easy to make friends with someone who does not trust anyone, and hides all of her feelings. She is afraid to be around people, but she is almost more afraid to be alone.

What started this cycle? When will it all end? All she knows for sure is that she is ready to find out...

Happy Belated Blogiversary to Me!!!!! :)

Usually it would be a normal Ten Things Tuesday. However, today I will be belatedly celebrating my blogiversary! You see, I thought my blogiversary was July 7, but in fact it was July 2. Still, I thought it should be recognized!

My blog has given me a way to express myself to other people through my writing. It has been motivational for me, and I hope it has been motivational to those reading it. I wasn't sure how many people would even read my blog, but I am proud to say that I now have 8 followers on blogspot! So thank you to those 8 people VERY MUCH! I also know of a few readers that I know personally, so thank you to those people also VERY MUCH! To anyone who has ever read my blog...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

It has been great because I have had readers everywhere from Brazil, to India, to Pakistan, and at least several other places. I didn't realize anybody out of my state would be reading my words (let alone out of my country!) So, thank you to all of those who have read my blog, left me comments, or have acquired a new perspective on something because of a blog I've written.

I remember my first blog comment. It was by someone named Lance. I do not know Lance personally, and I have not had any sort of communication with him since, but it was a great honor when he took the time to comment my blog. I felt like a published author! I know it might not be that big of a deal to you, but it was to me.

Blogging has made me feel like I have at least made a small difference in the world. I hope it can bring me that feeling to a greater extent in the years to come as I reach more and more people. Blogging has been a creative outlet, somewhere I can share my opinion, and a place I can come to let out my emotions. So I just want to say thank you to all of those people who read my blog. It has been a great pleasure hearing from you, and I am looking forward to another great year of blogging. :)

You...and You Alone.

"The only thing you need is me," he says. "I'll make you happy; I'll be everything you'll ever need or want." "Okay," she hesitantly gives in. She wants to trust him, but part of her still doesn't. She can't. How can she trust him when so many others have let her down? She knows she has to trust someone eventually, but is it time yet? Is it time to let her guard down?

Well, let's do this. And so what if it doesn't work out? Then at least she can say she tried.

Will she succeed or fail? Come out with flying colors, or drop out of the race? You want to know who it is really up to? It's up to you...and you alone.

The Title of This is Quite Long in Proportion to the Actual Paragraph.

Why is it that sometimes silence can be so unbearably loud?

Why can someone feel totally alone in a crowd full of people?

Unfortunately, I've been there.

Actually, in the end it was quite fortunate because it made me who I am. Now I am able to have an optimistic outlook and see that.

Most of us go ask questions to ourselves on a regular basis. Perhaps you question yourself multiple times a day.

Maybe it isn't all about the questions though; maybe it's more about the answers.

However, sometimes we must just trust ourselves enough to not second guess everything anymore...to just live and see what happens.

"Expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Life does not have to be fair. Nobody gets what they want all the time whether they will admit to it or not, and this is the way it should be. We have God's love which is already so incredibly much more than we deserve.

We take a massive amount of hoopla for granted this day and age. We have a world full of choices even if all we decide to do is to sit our lazy butt down in front of the computer and update our myspace or facebook profile. Admit it, this is what many of us do...including myself! I have no room to criticize the people who do this because I am one of many who do it.

We have so much we could be doing whether it is riding our bike, or actually writing a letter the "snail mail" way. However right now you're probably saying, "Who does that anymore?", right?

However we choose to text on our cell phones, post pictures online, beat medium on Guitar Hero, or download the new Taylor Swift song to our iPod. I am definitely not saying these are bad activities to do. They are not always bad. It is just after awhile we begin to expect all of this to come to us, and all of these material things become like another false god to us because we practically worship them in a way.

The point I am trying to get to is some people don't have all of these items that we take for granted. There are so many people who would be thrilled to just get a good, satisfying meal every day. They do not have a panic attack when their Internet is not working because they don't even have a home to live in let alone a computer to enjoy. We just need to learn to appreciate what we take for granted.

I definitely am not trying to sound like a hypocrite; I will willingly confess that I do take too much for granted. I just hope that someday we could learn to truly appreciate some of the simpler things that we usually do not, whether it is a friendly "Hello" or a fulfilling meal around the table with your family.

Just take the time to try and appreciate something today that you usually would not. As a quote says "Expect nothing and appreciate everything." I am not sure who wrote it or said it, or even if the quote is exactly write. The point though is that it is definitely a quote full of wisdom and truth...